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A Broke Person’s Guide to Shopping the Goop Gift Guide

Why spend $5,000 on a Jeff Koons vase when you could buy Lady Gaga’s 2013 album Artpop?

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You don’t need a yurt, but you might need a Two-Person Emergency Survival Cold Weather Thermal Reflective Shelter Tent (Pack of Three).

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Few things are as consistently insane as Goop’s annual gift guide (with the exception of Countess Luann in RHONY season 9 and also the year 2016 in general). But in recent holiday seasons, this cultural institution has shifted. While best known for peddling items like thousand-dollar toilet paper or pure gold dumbbells, the past few Goop gift guides have offered something even worse: self-awareness.

“Because it wouldn’t be a goop gift guide without a portable yurt,” begins the introduction of Goop’s 2016 “ridiculous, but awesome” gift guide. Yes, it appears that the Goop gift guide has become sentient enough to develop a sense of ironic detachment, and even it is trying to distance itself from Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand.

But no amount of winky coquettishness can make up for the fact that there is not a single item included in the 2016 Goop gift guide that is actually worth its cost. Even though that is probably the point of it all, here we have assembled a few actually practical alternatives to spending $120 on toothpaste (just buy a ski mask).

Don’t Buy This Vintage Banana Box, Buy Bananagrams

What is the use of spending four hundred dollars on an empty box when you could spend $12 on one that has a GAME INSIDE?

YOU SAVE: $383

Don’t Buy a Plant Wall, Buy Some Already-Dying Succulents

Goop describes this $599 plant wall as “like a Chia Pet for your wall.” A gift that is even more similar to a Chia Pet, however, is a bunch of succulents that will be left somewhere and forgotten about for three weeks until your cat eats them.

YOU SAVE: $586

Don’t Buy the Ellessco Vinnibag, Buy a Tote Bag, Literally Any Tote Bag

It doesn’t matter if there are stains all over it or it’s been sitting at your desk for four years. Literally any tote bag can carry stuff, including bottles of wine. That is kind of the point of them!

YOU SAVE: $14

Don’t Buy This Jeff Koons Vase, Buy Lady Gaga’s Artpop

While these two items contain the same amount of art, if such a thing could be quantified, they contain vastly different amounts of Lady Gaga.

YOU SAVE: $4,992

Don’t Buy the Microsoft Hololens, Buy a Child’s Kaleidoscope

I don’t even know what this thing does, but I do know that there is absolutely no way it provides more fun than a dollar store kaleidoscope.

YOU SAVE: $2,992

Don’t Buy the LG Styler, Buy a Shoe Rack That, Let’s Be Honest, You Are Never Going to Assemble

Sure, this closet-like contraption essentially dry cleans your clothes for you, but it doesn’t hold a candle to a giant shoe rack that will sit untouched in its original box in the corner of your bedroom until the next tenant moves in. Hey, maybe they’ll get some use out of it!

YOU SAVE: $1,967

Don’t Buy a Yurt, Buy a Two-Person Emergency Survival Cold Weather Thermal Reflective Shelter Tent (Pack of Three)

To be completely honest, I love the yurt. But will it protect not one, but two people from a cold-weather emergency? Probably not!

YOU SAVE: $8,284

Don’t Buy an Alexander McQueen Umbrella, Buy a Garbage Bag You Can Fashion Into a Poncho

Sorry, but literally no umbrella in history will ever keep your outfit dryer than a giant garbage bag you have hoisted over yourself.

YOU SAVE: $496

Don’t Buy $120 Toothpaste, Buy a Ski Mask Shaped Like an Octopus

It doesn’t matter that your teeth are yellow and your breath sucks if no one can see your mouth.

YOU SAVE: $110

Don’t Buy Dennis Hopper’s Personal Record Collection, Buy a House

House photo: Phillip Spears

Moda Operandi is currently selling actor and filmmaker Dennis Hopper’s 110-piece collection of records for $150,000. Other things that cost $150,000: certain homes.

YOU SAVE: Nothing, but you have a house.