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It is in our darkest moments that we are most in need of light. Now, in the coldest day of winter 2016 (JK! It’s not even technically winter yet!), in the most hellish year of many of our lifetimes, the circumstances are dire. We cannot — nay, we will not — wait any longer.
The time for a Jennifer Aniston lifestyle brand is now.
Jen, your Aveeno ads and Emirates Airlines TV spots are not cutting it. I assume — and Wikipedia confirms — that you have also done some hair modeling for L’Oréal. The same Wikipedia page informs me that you have at one point been a spokeswoman for SmartWater. You also shill that very bizarre dry eye campaign, Eyelove, which, fine. Make your money. And then use it to build an all-encompassing, all-powerful multimedia lifestyle empire.
The fact that this call to action needs to be written is, frankly, astounding. Literally everything about Jennifer Aniston — her multi-decade-long career, her impossibly glowy skin, the fact that she has a kind of dorky haircut named after her — would suggest she is the proud CEO of a wildly successful brand that produces everything from drug store mascara to bags of mixed arugula to a website sprinkled with headlines like, “7 Unexpected — But Timeless! — Dishes to Serve at Your Very Chic Yet Still Super Chill Beachside Southern California Holiday Party.” I want to read that article!!!!!
How is it possible that, in 2016, we have seen lifestyle brands from Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jessica Alba, Ellen Degeneres, Chrissy Teigen, all 70 Kardasho-Jenners and Kardasho-Jenner–adjacents, Lauren Conrad, Blake Lively (lol), Lo Bosworth, Ashley Tisdale, Tori Spelling, HAYLIE GODDAMN DUFF, and not Jennifer Aniston? Even Ashley Benson has a batshit website that tells you what color your energy is (mine’s indigo :)), and you probably only have a vague understanding of who Ashley Benson is!!!
But even with the unceasing avalanche of celebrity lifestyle brands, there remains a Jennifer Aniston–sized hole in the market. Who else will write articles telling us how to get that shade of hair that isn’t really blonde, isn’t really brown, and isn’t really red, but is also kind of all three at once? Who else will design functional yet stylish handbag collabs with Saks Fifth Avenue? Nobody.
I get it, Jen; I really do. You’re busy! So to make this as easy as possible for you, here are some names I think you should consider:
Jenuwine (for wine!)
Ani One Can Do It
Yes We Canistan
We’re All Friends Here
Rach Your Full Potential
I’ll Be There For Youuuuuu
The One Where You Buy Things
Preserve (it’s up for grabs!!!!)
See? All the hard work is done. Today, you sold your stake in the beauty brand Living Proof to Unilever. I assume, because I have to assume this for my own sanity, that this means you will be concentrating your energy on creating an even better line of all-natural haircare products, to go alongside your highly trafficked website and collection of pointed-toe ankle boots, available exclusively at Bloomingdale’s (think of all the opportunities for subtle Friends-referencing merchandise!).
As it is nearly 2017 and you still have not launched your gigantic lifestyle brand, it would be easy to despair. Some say the moment for celebrity lifestyle empires has passed, and if you haven’t started yours yet, you never will. But I say, in the timeless lyrics of The Rembrants: When your life’s a joke, you’re broke, and Jennifer Aniston’s lifestyle brand is D.O.A., Jennifer Aniston will be there for you. Because you were there for her, too, in 2005, when you bought a “Team Aniston” T-shirt.
Special thanks to Meredith Haggerty and Elana Fishman for their Jennifer Aniston puns.