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Filed under:

Dear ASOS: WTF Is This Clothing Item?

An investigation, in poem form.

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Bluebella’s Body Bow Photo: ASOS

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’Twas the day before Christmas break, and all through Vox HQ

No employees were typing, except for a few.

Those in-office were online shopping, adrift

‘Til Twitter — as always — delivered a gift!

Racked’s Aminatou Sow tipped us off to a tweet

From writer Hayley Campbell, highlighting something neat.

Bluebella’s “Body Bow,” a bodysuit — except not

And for whatever reason, ASOS thought it was hot.

“Can be tied in a number of ways,” read the description

But I’ll be quite honest: That seemed like pure fiction.

“Hand wash,” it continued, as if someone might

Attempt to wear this thing for more than one night.

I tried to understand why one would put this on their list

This bizarre frontal thong with an odd festive twist?

Perhaps fans of Glossier’s black satin bow

Wanted something more…sexy? Oh, hell to the no!

Did Mariah Carey’s lyrics inspire this villainy?

“All I Want for Christmas Is You,” taken far too literally?

Or is it just another way to objectify women

A laughable thought, considering this year we’ve been in!

Anyway, if you somehow don’t think this sucks

The bow can be yours for 25 bucks.

It’s available in red, in black, and in white

Merry Christmas, I guess — have a weird-ass night!