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On January 2nd, season one million of the nine-time Emmy-award-winning drama The Bachelor will premiere. Season one million is special because it stars Nick Viall, who has already appeared on not one, not two, but three iterations of the Bachelor franchise, having twice been the runner-up of The Bachelorette, and once played the role of Wise Grizzled Old Man on Bachelor in Paradise. But today is a far more special day than that, because today we were introduced to his lineup of 30 going out tops.
The going out top is a tentpole of Bachelor contestant orthodoxy, rivaled only by being named Lacey and expressing a deep love for dolphins (this is especially a theme this year). And because we haven’t actually met these 30 dolphin-loving Laceys quite yet, we must judge them all on their taste in going out tops, from least Bachelor contestant-y to most.
30. Jasmine B., 25, Flight Attendant
Jasmine B.!!!?!??!?!? A black turtleneck? Really? Imagine you are Jasmine B., and you have just been cast on The Bachelor. Next, imagine that a producer calls you and says, “Okay, please come prepared to be photographed as a contestant on the most beautifully tacky television show of all time.” Then imagine you look through your closet and notice a black turtleneck, and say to yourself, “Yes, that.” IMPOSSIBLE. But then again, according to her questionnaire, Jasmine B.’s three worst attributes are “caring too much what others think,” “getting stressed easily,” and “being too nice,” so I guess a black turtleneck works?! Either way, I’m upset.
29. Angela, 26, Model
While Angela’s choice is thankfully not as egregious as a black turtleneck, this Coldwater Creek (I’m assuming) coral scoop neck top is essentially the Bachelor contestant version of wearing a giant sandwich board that reads “I am absolutely no fun at all.” I also don’t even need to tell you what Angela’s favorite movie is, because you already know. It is The Notebook.
28. Dominique, 25, Restaurant Server
Someone forgot to tell Dominique that getting your Bachelor contestant photo taken does not require the same level of professional dress as an important job interview. Maybe she was coming directly from an important job interview that did not go well and thought, “Well, that job I actually wanted didn’t pan out, I guess I’ll go on The Bachelor.”
27. Alexis, 23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
Even if aspiring dolphin trainer Alexis’s ocean blue scoop neck is supremely boring on the going out scale, at least it’s on brand?
26. Jaimi, 28, Chef
As this season’s clear frontrunner for the role of Responsible Adult, Jaimi chose to wear the same top your mom once tried on at Chico’s but didn’t buy because she convinced herself it was “too similar to what those ladies on Real Housewives wear.” Jaimi also describes her diet as “pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian,” so she sounds like a lot of fun!!!!
25. Astrid, 26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager
Astrid, who is an eerily perfect physical combination of Nick’s “ex-girlfriend” Andi Dorfman and Rachel from UnReal, does not know as much about The Bachelor as her facial features would suggest. Namely, she chose this rather conservative fuchsia wrap sweater to advertise herself as a contestant on The Bachelor. GIRL, DO YOU EVEN WATCH THIS SHOW?!
24. Hailey, 23, Photographer
The first in a long series of nondescript tank tops, Hailey is this season’s Token Hipster, which we can deduce from that fact that she’s a Canadian photographer with tattoos of dots and bobby pins, she loves ‘90s music, and her favorite author is Dr. Seuss. The real question is whether the producers will turn her into a cute, lovable Token Hipster or a mean, pretentious one. Reminder: This season is going to be very good!!!!!
23. Kristina, 24, Dental Hygienist
Reader, I was so sad when last season’s Bachelor had no dental hygienists from which Ben could choose. Thankfully, Nick V.’s dental hygienist comes in the form of Boring Tank Top #2, Kristina. She loves Meryl Streep, American Ninja Warrior, and if she could be a fictional character, she would be Fiona from Shrek. Okay, Kristina, I am rooting for you!!!!
22. Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager
Elizabeth, who loves The Notebook, Kate Middleton, Finding Nemo, Britney Spears, and Christmas, gets what this is all about. As a scientifically perfect Bachelor contestant, Elizabeth will either advance to the finale episode or be rejected on the first night. These are the rules.
21. Briana, 28, Surgical Unit Nurse
See above, but brunette.
20. Rachel, 31, Attorney
I can only assume Rachel auditioned to be a Bachelor contestant as some kind of elite underground spy mission, because she not only passed the bar exam on her first try, but she also said she loves Basquiat (knowing who Basquiat is should immediately disqualify anyone from competing on The Bachelor) and that she’d like to be Michelle Obama for a day. RACHEL GET OUT OF THERE NICK DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!!!!!
19. Olivia, 25, Apparel Sales Representative
Boring Tank Top #6’s favorite author is Nicholas Sparks, but she was also the kicker of her football team, which is highly cool. Score: Neutral!!
18. Taylor, 23, Mental Health Counselor
Even though Taylor’s tank top is very boring and not suitable for going out, in her questionnaire she revealed that her favorite store was Forever 21, so by the law of going out tops, we can assume she will introduce plenty more (superior) going out tops into the Bachelor Mansion.
17. Vanessa, 29, Special Education Teacher
I am looking forward to watching Vanessa on this season of The Bachelor, and not only because she is far closer in age-appropriateness to Nick, but because she is from Montréal, and the Québecois are some of the most delightfully bitchy people on the planet. She also has all the trappings of being this season’s Sharleen, a.k.a. the foreign-born contestant who decides she’s way too classy for this and leaves halfway through the season.
16. Jasmine G., 29, Pro Basketball Dancer
I am equally looking forward to Jasmine G.’s tenure on the show, because not only is she is a dancer for a professional sports team — the ideal career — but she also said that out of all the people in the world, she is most similar to GUY FIERI BECAUSE HE TRAVELS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY AND IS FUNNY. Jasmine G., marry me.
15. Sarah, 26, Grade School Teacher
Sarah is an exemplary Bachelor contestant in that she referenced both The Notebook and A Walk to Remember in her questionnaire, and also describes herself as a social Democrat and a fiscal Republican. I have no idea why this specific political alignment makes sense for a Bachelor contestant, it just does.
14. Whitney, 25, Pilates Instructor
I’m sorry, I couldn’t pay attention to Whitney’s going out top because I was too distracted by her extremely perfect hair. WHOSE HAIR DOES THIS?! Whitney’s does.
13. Susannah, 26, Account Manager
Ok, I get what Susannah is going for with her cool-girl white muscle tank and gold necklace, especially in the context of her elephant tattoo and that she said she would love to be Chrissy Teigen for a day. But ultimately, it’s just too daytime outing-y to be going out-y enough to be higher on this list.
12. Danielle L., 27, Small Business Owner
Danielle L. didn’t even try when it came to this boring-ass spaghetti strap, but I guess that is what happens when you have the face and hair of a Danielle L. She evidently didn’t even try with her questionnaire answers, which hit upon textbook Bachelor contestant touchstones like The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks, Love Actually, Chrissy Teigen, lotus flower tattoos, and being from Los Angeles. Somewhere in Southern California, there is a factory, churning out Danielle L.s day and night.
11. Brittany, 26, Travel Nurse
Brittany’s tank top is highly whatever, but this necklace has stirred deep emotion in me. I care very much about it, in the same way I care very much about whether there is such a thing as absolute evil. Basically what I am saying is this necklace is maybe as close as anything has ever come to Satan.
10. Ida Marie, 23, Sales Manager
Ida Marie’s shirt is fine. It is a fine shirt. Would I wear it to a bar? Sure! Is it a going out top? Yep, pretty much! Does this going out top inspire me? Honestly if you styled it in a cool way, maybe! Did Ida Marie style it that interestingly? I guess not that interestingly? This shirt is fine.
9. Corinne, 24, Business Owner
Either Corinne’s top is Reformation, or it is a Reformation knockoff, and the rule of Reformation tops is that they are always — always — suitable for going out in.
8. Michelle, 24, Food Truck Owner
While certainly not Bachelor-franchise level of tacky, Michelle’s tank top wins going out points for having grommets, which are sexy in a lady carpenter sort of way.
7. Raven, 25, Fashion Boutique Owner
Everything about Raven, including the name Raven, suggests she will be this season’s Fashion Bitch, the most underrated character in all Bachelor franchises. Raven will silently judge all of the other contestants’ identical off-the-shoulder tops before being kicked off tragically early in the season, before she even has the chance to deliver a really great side-eye, and return home a minor Instagram celebrity.
6. Danielle M., 31, Neonatal Nurse
At first glance, Danielle M.’s going out top is just another red spaghetti strap going out top, but look closer: Danielle M.’s spaghetti straps have two auxiliary spaghetti straps at the neckline, landing this spaghetti strap squarely in the Ilana Glazer category of going out tops. This is the highest compliment a going out top can receive.
5. Lauren, 30, Law School Graduate
We come now to my absolute favorite of all Bachelor contestant traditions, which is the off-the-shoulder top. First up is the least going out-y, Lauren’s fluttery white top that looks identical to the one she will wear when she inevitably marries Nick V. on a beach. (We are all in agreement that Lauren, 30, law school graduate who wears tasteful off-the-shoulder tops, is going to win this thing, yes?)
4. Elizabeth “Liz,” 29, Doula
Next is Liz the Doula, whose top is either off-the-shoulder or one-shoulder. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter.
3. Christen, 25, Wedding Videographer
Christen’s red sweetheart off-the-shoulder top is the shirt equivalent of her answer to the question “If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be?” to which she replied: “A grapefruit! They're sweet and sour. Ha! They're colorful. They smell great. And they're so full of life and energy. That's me. :) And you have to peel them back to get to the good stuff.” Ha! :)
2. Lacey, 25, Digital Marketing Manager
We interrupt our parade of off-the-shoulder tops to bring you Lacey, the contestant with the most Bachelor contestant-y name and second-most Bachelor contestant-y job title. This black corset (?) is a bit too demure to take the top honor in this list, however. Which brings us to...
1. Josephine, 24, Unemployed Nurse
Is there a going out-ier top than Josephine’s off-the-shoulder lace sweetheart top, paired with an enormous choker? There is not, and there is also no profession Bachelor contestant-ier than “unemployed nurse.” People like Josephine are the reason this show exists, and for that, we thank her.