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Crucial Update

The 10 Stages of Yeezy Grief

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Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

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Today, like many around the globe, I failed in my quest to procure Kanye's goddamn extremely limited and coveted kicks. I've struck out on Yeezy releases every. single. time. We're at the point where I'm basically just a body with a crying Jordan face where my head should be.

This is a difficult time for me, and everyone else who caught an L today, so walk with me through my journey to recovery using (slightly amended) stages of grief.

Step One: Denial

Oh my god. It all happened so quickly. 8 a.m. turned into a whirlwind of virtual "lines," crashed servers, and instantaneous sold-out notifications. Surely the next crop of sellers will be better.

Step Two: More Denial

That's okay, who buys Yeezys off of RUVilla anyway? Official Adidas site here I come!

Step Three: Pile on the Denial


Step Four: Ain't Just a River in Egypt

Shiekh Shoes is my last hope. That sounds super legit, right? Yeah, definitely my best chance to finally get my long-awaited pair of sneakers.

Step Five: Anger

Burn Adidas to the ground. Cancel my Tidal subscription. Throw out my Superstars. I'm DONE giving Adidas and Kanye my money whenever they feel on taking it. INVENTORY ERROR? What does that even mean?! The only explanation is that the dude who leaked Rihanna's album got fired from Tidal and Adidas thought he'd be perfect for this job. WE'RE OVER, ADIDAS.

Step Six: Bargaining

No, please, don't go. Don't put up that out of stock message. I'll do anything. I'll be patient. I'll throw out my Nikes. I'll upgrade my Tidal subscription. Tell me what you want from me.

Step Seven: Failure of Bargaining Leading to More Anger

Whatever. I deserve a give and take relationship anyway. One where you take my money and you give me Yeezys. I'll take my money to a business that actually wants it. I'm going to buy these white slip-on Vans. You heard me: VANS, because they know how to treat a man RIGHT. Just ask Damn Daniel.

Step Eight: Guilt

My Internet is garbage. I only had two browser windows open. What is this, amateur hour? I think I was a second late to the 8am drops. And who am I kidding? My Tidal subscription is a FREE TRIAL. Okay, I said it. I'm sorry!

Step Nine: Back to Bargaining

*gets in rap squat and prays to our holy Yeezus*

Step Ten: Acceptance

It's all meant to be, fam. The black Yeezys really aren't my favorites and those white slip-on Vans really will be nice for summer. But if Adidas re-releases the grey, or "Turtle Dove," Yeezys and I don't get a pair, I swear to God!