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Crucial Update

Let Me Level With You: I Own a Lot of Butt Creams

Kylie's butt, not my butt. Photo: Getty
Kylie's butt, not my butt. Photo: Getty

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Today, Kylie Jenner posted a sponsored Instagram for Pure Leef, a product that claims to "naturally" enhance and lift butts and breasts. Kylie suggests this as a Valentine's Day gift (to yourself? For someone else? It's unclear), but let me tell you Kylie, I already have plenty.

For what it's worth, most of the butt creams I own have been gifted to me — a perk of graduating with a degree in English Literature and writing on the internet, I guess. I have never actually purchased a butt cream myself. I probably would, though, especially with the KingKylie discount of 15% off.

The first one I ever tried was Mio Skincare's Future Proof, which I just found out normally costs $60 (!?!). I started thinking about aging and aging products last year, which is also when I learned that butt upkeep is just a part of getting older. Future Proof promises to firm, which is my number one butt concern right now.

When I ran out of Future Proof, I started using Boob Tube, also from Mio. On my butt. Just like Future Proof, this one promises to firm but also brighten and protect. Who doesn't want a bright butt!

The Brazilian Bum Bum cream is definitely the best thing I've ever been gifted. I feel like the publicists who have my mailing address really know me so well. I can't pick a favorite line from the product review, so here it is in its entirety:

Throughout Brazilian beaches, the bum bums have it. Beautiful Brazilian bottoms have a special secret, a cream rich in guaraná, a native Amazonian plant whose fruit contains one of the most potent forms of caffeine on the planet. Together with cupuaçu butter, açaí and coconut oil, guaraná caffeine stimulates circulation and helps keep posteriors their smoothest, tightest and positively most pinchable. Recommended by tanga-wearers and admirers everywhere.

Others in my arsenal: Cane + Austin Miracle Pads (these are actually for your face but I put them on my butt); Bliss FatGirlSlim (I really, really hate this name but am a sucker for these products, clearly); Jergen's Skin Firming Toning Moisturizer (my former roommate actually purchased this one and we shared it until the very last drop); and Nivea's Skin Firming and Toning Gel. Okay, that one I bought myself.