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Ye Olde Festival Style Guide

Photo by The Print Collector/Print Collector/Getty Images

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The season of festivals is upon us, like a plague sweeping the land. From Candlemas to May Day to Lutes-of-the-Round-Tablellaroo, thou must step up thine festival outfit game this year. Why? Because 'tis a kingdom-wide edict, and transgressors shall be stripped of land and title.

If thou art hemming and hawing over what thou shalt pack to look thine most noble, mark thy festival idols*, Queen Elizabeth, Guinevere, and Sansa Stark. Each dresses in a manner that beguiles. Art they lusty wenches? Or art they fair maidens? No man can say for sure! 'Tis verily hard to dress as such, so donst think thou can just slap on a flower crown and go. When 't cometh to festival style, if thou art not overthinking 't, what the hell art thee even thinking about?

Still, we're all busy trying to garner the most impressive dowry to keepeth our families out of poverty, so here's the TL;DR guide to getting festival-ready: First, putteth on thy smock. Then putteth on thy stockings. Putteth on thy corset. Now putteth on thy verdingal. Great, putteth on thy bumroll. Don't forget to putteth on thy petticoat. Putteth on thy kirtle and forepart. Now putteth on thy partlet. K, putteth on thy gown and sleeves. Putteth on thy latchet shoes. Putteth on thy safeguard and cloak if it looks to rain. Putteth on thy wrist and neck ruffs. Congrats, thou art dressed! Now get thee hence thither and dance like nobody is watching except for thy father and potential suitors and God!

For the finer points of festival styling, cast thine eyes below.

HOW TO FIND THINE PERFECT PEASANT BLOUSE

If thou art not already a peasant, findeth one. Taketh her blouse. 'Tis thy right.

THE 1470S ARE IN

This year, 'tis all about long embroidered sleeves of yesteryear and a high-waisted cut that kind of makes thou appear with child. The look hints at fertility while keeping thy delicate wrists protected from vulgar roaming eyes. Hot!

IF THOU ART A WENCH (NO JUDGEMENT)(LOL 'TIS A JOKE! SO MUCH JUDGEMENT.)

Just send for a low cut dress and pair withal festive girdle.

ACCESSORIZE WITH A WIZARD

Alack! The sun 'tis out and sunglasses won't beest invented for another three centuries! What now? Simply hire a Merlin to hasten an eclipse.

GYPSY INSPIRATION

'Tis illegal and thee wilt burn in hellfire for considering basing thine outfit on gypsies.

CHOOSE A HEAD COVERING LEST THOU WISH TO BE CONSIDERED A TOTTERING STRUMPET

We suggest a veiled french hood, so thee might flip the hood forward to hide thy grimace when a self-professed young poet sayeth, "I wroteth this madrigal for thee accompanied by the lute. Telleth me what thee in earnest bethink, k? "

FORGET NOT THINE FLOWER CROWN

It sayeth "nonchalant" and "youthful" and "free of syphilis because I'm a GD maiden."

Now, thou haseth everything thy needeth to get down to the viol and the lute and the virginal, as these festivals art in truth all about the music. Siketh! Thou art here to woo a betrothed, no doubt. Thus court on, be-crowned maiden. Court on.

*We doth not condone the useth or worship of idols. Muses are okay, though. Loose references to "inspiration" or "inspo" art fine, too.