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Gwyneth Paltrow's New Skincare Line Is Actually Good, Sorry

I'm one step closer to becoming Gwyneth.

I’ve been dealing with a problem for the past few months that’s so shamefully tone-deaf and trivial that the only real definition for it is "goop-y." Goop — Gwyneth "I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup" Paltrow’s newsletter, website, and organic luxury lifestyle conglomerate — has drawn the ire of most people on the internet, including me. I’m almost too embarrassed to type my problem, for fear of easy association with her breezy California version of mindless bourgeois consumption.


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But here it is: when my Bikram yoga instructor tells me to "kiss the mat" during class, the drought-dry skin on my face accrues such a potent mix of toe jam and body sweat that I break out before final savasana. Then, when I step outside into the freezing cold smog-metropolis of hunks vaping in Canada Goose jackets that is lower Manhattan, my face cracks in two.

So what’s a girl like me to do in this situation? The easy solution would be to clean my yoga mat more often and maybe swipe my face with a Neutrogena wipe immediately after class. The other solution is to accrue the entire USDA certified organic line of Goop by Juice Beauty (the cheapest product is the Perfecting Eye Cream, retailing at $90). Guess which one I did?

I don't love Gwyneth, but I do want to be her.

I went the Goop way, of course! I read the Goop newsletter with glee every single Thursday (I’ve been this close to getting a vagina facial several times, but I have a delicate ecosystem)! I might be one of the only people that saw View from the Top in theaters (as an 11-year-old, no less!)! The most played song on my iTunes is "Cruisin’" from Duets. I don’t love Gwyneth, but I do want to be her. I also believe she’s the only person on Earth who knows the truth about Beyonce’s baby bump debacle.

The line officially debuted on March 1st, but I’ve been able to test out the Goop by Juice Beauty line for just under a week. It’s a dedicated routine. To start, a Goop by Juice Beauty user like me is to wash her face with the Luminous Melting Cleanser ($90), formulated with olive, almond, and coconut oils, shea and cocoa seed butter, jojoba esters, and sunflower seed wax. It came with a cute little spoon to dig the solidified oil cleanser out of the jar, plus a muslin cleansing cloth that I lost almost immediately. After cleansing, every 2-3 days the Jui by Goo girl then applies the Exfoliating Instant Facial ($125) with alpha and beta hydroxy acids to her face.

Then comes the daily use of Enriching Face Oil ($110), made of organic sunflower, olive, jojoba seed, and linseed oils, plus vitamin E. She warms the oil up between her (clean!) palms, and pats it onto her face. (She can also pat it onto her face over makeup during the day to achieve That Wet Look.) Next comes the Perfecting Eye Cream ($90) with Palmitoyl tripeptide-5 and olive-derived squalane butter (Ah, yes, those ingredients I love and know how to pronounce, I said aloud to myself while staring at the tub). Then, if it’s daytime, she finishes it all off with the Revitalizing Day Moisturizer ($100) also formulated with palmitoyl tripeptide-5. If it’s nighttime, she goes with the Replenishing Night Cream ($140) with all the goodness of the Day Moisturizer, plus a plumping dose of hyaluronic acid.

Image: GOOP by Juice Beauty

Those who use the pronoun "he" or elsewise presumably can do this same routine. I was just trying to be egalitarian.

I already look better. Granted, it’s only been a week. Also, it’s possible that a shiny, new dedicated face routine that someone else paid for and I’m excited about has caused me to take extra-special care of my skin. The extra attention might have made the difference, not the products. And with or without this Gwyneth-sized price tag, I do find these products luxurious. Most of all, they hydrate in a way that makes my face look fat and moist, but in the best way possible.

My favorite product of the line so far is the Enriching Face Oil. In the PR materials, the Enriching Face Oil is called "the hero of the goop skincare line." Gwyneth, in her Gwyneth way, is quoted as such: "I’m a face-oil junkie, so this formula is especially personal."

Obviously, this is the same woman who said she’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can. Instead of highly addictive synthetic drugs, Gwyneth is addicted to face-oil. Ha! Same! This product absorbs easily, smells like sunflower oil, and has effectively hydrated the dry patches around my mouth and nose, ruling out the necessity of me carrying a jar of Vaseline around with me. Instead, I’ve been carrying this compact little sucker with me in my backpack every day, nestled next to three broken USB cables and an unused pregnancy test. It’s a lifestyle, too, Gwyneth.

When it comes to high-end organic cosmetics, Goopy knows what she’s doing.

The other star of Goop by Juice is the Exfoliating Instant Facial, but it isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s 86% organic, which I usually correlate with inefficiency when it comes to exfoliation, but this is a powerful brew. I’ve used it twice so far. The acids burn your face off in the gentlest way possible and some totally cute-sounding ingredients like "poet’s daffodil" and "sweet iris" help with brown spots and complexion discoloration and reinforcing the skin’s protective barrier, respectively. After just one use, I found this to be as effective as any moderate peel I’ve gotten with an aesthetician.

I put about a month’s worth of vanity into Gwyneth’s well-manicured hands (via Goop by Juice Beauty), but for the purposes of this piece, I didn’t want it to. Gwyneth hasn’t done anything particularly egregious lately, but hating on Gwyneth maintains the stasis of the Internet. As such, we can’t let her have a win.

But I’m going to give her this one. I don’t think we need Gwyneth Paltrow as our point person when it comes to legislating on GMO food labeling or telling working moms how to raise their children, but when it comes to high-end organic cosmetics, Goopy knows what she’s doing.

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