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Why Aren’t More Men #PowerBald?

Jason Statham
Frazer Harrison/Getty

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Guys, I know this is a sensitive subject for you. But just trust me on this one: you gotta go bald.

Of course you don’t want to. Hair is an indication of youth and vitality. Hair is fun to run your fingers through and put into Jared Leto-sanctioned buns. Hair is the subject matter of an endlessly enjoyable piece of 1970s musical theatre. But dudes: once it starts to go, you’ve got to let it go.

Corey Stoll. Image: Larry French/Getty

Why cling to the impotent dregs of a receding hairline? It’s right in front of us! We can all see what’s going on! Notice a bald spot growing, and think it’s safely hidden by your height? WRONG! Your patchy noggin is clear as day when you nod empathetically to make a point about WWE wrestling! Considering plugs? The good ones are expensive, and trust — you want the really, really good ones. Anything less than looks like tiny bugs crawling through drilled brain-holes in your scalp. And even then: say you go to the best doctor. You know, the guy who did Joel McHale. Is it worth it? To live life with a hair mask, worried that one wrong tug could send your entire persona into a bloody tailspin? And why even bother with the false advertisement of hats? Once you pull that newsboy cap off, everyone will see the wispy truth. If you or your friends have been considering any of these options, it’s time to learn… a new way. Cut your losses, pull one over on mother nature and shave it off completely.

When do you that, my friends, you’re not just bald. You’re #powerbald.

#Powerbald is a choice. #Powerbald is taking destiny into your own hands, and shaping it into a shiny dome with a few prickly petes that grow in every couple of weeks. #Powerbald is being so filled with virility and machismo that you don’t even want those annoying follicular reminders of your misspent youth weighing you down.

Morris Chestnut. Image: Paul Archuleta/Getty

Plus, #powerbald is hooooooooooooo(ooooooooo)t.

Look at Jason Statham. The epitome of rugged good looks, one of his early characters is even named Handsome Rob. A man so fine he was able to nab Rosie Huntington-Whitely as fiancé, despite her being at least five inches taller than him. An action star so powerful he was able to literally die and come back to life! (Okay, his character Chev Chelios died. Whatever same diff.) Jason Statham has been #powerbald since being culturally relevant, and not only has it not hurt his career or chances with women, it has emboldened them.

Now let’s look at GOP front-runner Donald Trump. The enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash known as Trump’s hair has been well-documented and mocked, and yet never ameliorated. Trump is a self-professed billionaire, but even his oodles of gold doubloons cannot make whatever Guillermo del Toro-dreamt nightmare lives on his head look appealing. Even if you agree with Trump’s politics (which beyond vague promises, I’m not sure actually exist?) you cannot possibly think his hair is a good look. I have no doubt that underneath that… red? facade lies a head of thinning hair, and that Donald would do well to just shave it off. #powerbaldness is not partial to any political party.

Think about it, men. Who do you want to be? Jason "fuck style is buck wild" Statham, or Donald "tiny hands" Trump?

And it’s not just Jason Statham. The brotherhood of #powerbalds is a large and lustrous bunch. There’s Corey Stoll, who first appeared in our cultural consciousness as the Hemingway we all wanted to bone in Midnight in Paris. As Hemingway, Stoll was wigged, but the swagger that made him perfect for the role was clearly cultivated from the confidence it takes to be #powerbald in a looks-driven industry. Morris Chestnut is way more attractive with a close-shaved head in The Best Man Holiday than his hairier turn in the original The Best Man — due to all around maturing, sure, but mostly due to his more self-assured essence. Bruce Willis. Boris Kodjoe. Mark Strong. Taye Diggs. Stanley fucking Tucci. Are you sensing a pattern here? #powerbald is beautiful, baby!

Boris Kodjoe. Image: Paul Tasia Wells/Getty

Now, ladies, I know this is kind of annoying. When it comes to looks, men are already enabled to put in as pathetically little effort as possible and we’ll still love them for like, their personalities or whatever. With the advent of dadbod appreciation, men were even given a pass to stop caring about their bodies and physical health. And now with #powerbald, men don’t have to worry about yet another aesthetic we judge them on, while we spend hours of our lives blow-drying and hundreds of our dollars on useless deep conditioning treatments? But in your heart you know this is a public service announcement. More men shaving their heads, embracing their fate means less time you have to pretend you like their comb-over. #powerbald is not only sexy, it’s positively feminist!

So guys, the next time you’re at your secret monthly man meetings, look to your left. Look to your right. Is one of your friends grasping on to their past? Are you? If so, make the move, light up the Braun, and get to shaving. Remember you’re not just bald. You’re #powerbald.