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A Bathroom Goer’s Guide to Rompers

Photo: Reformation

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There you are, living the onesie life, with all the freedom and ease that entails, when you have to pee. Restroom stalls are claustrophobic, you can't get the zipper undone, there's a toilet hole filled with toilet water threatening to ruin your day, and a whole host of other potential pitfalls. Now finally, here are simple illustrated instructions for navigating the bathroom while wearing adult-sized toddler clothes.

Not all rompers are the same. There are different fits, different zipper placements, different levels of fabric stretchability. You can do the zipper flanking move (one arm attacks from above, the opposite arm attacks from below), but sometimes that's truly exhausting.

Save your energy for all the flirting that will come your way while wearing a romper, since rompers say, "hey, I'm a Fun and Flirty woman. Let us have fun and flirt ;)" This is not a joke. Rompers will literally wink at cute boys and/or girls for you.

For the sake of flirting and sometimes time, pull one side of the shorts laterally and go. "But I'll pee on myself," you're reasoning right now. First, I applaud your ability to look into the future and anticipate potential hazards. You don't go through life just accepting what people tell you and that's a commendable quality. But I promise you that with a little focus and smart hand placement, you won't! And you'll save decades of time spent in bathrooms. Decades.

This one's pretty simple. So simple you likely don't need instructions. Here they are anyway: just because you're choosing to dress like a toddler, doesn't mean you must have the motor skills of one. Don't just whip off those straps willy nilly. They'll fall in the darn toilet 84% of the time according to a verbal poll of known overall wearers currently sitting right beside me.

Instead, ball up both ends of the one-piece and pinch it together like an accordion so it touches neither the ground nor the toilet hole.

There's really no avoiding getting full-on naked while peeing in a jumpsuit. Embrace it as a subversive little act in your day. Smirk while you do it. Go ahead. Smirk.

The real challenge is reigning in the overwhelming feeling of invincibility that a jumpsuit gives its wearer, so you don't just throw the garment down like a goddam phoenix rising from the ashes. You're the phoenix. The jumpsuit is the ashes? It's not a great metaphor. The point is you'll have to put that thing back on. As the graphic clearly indicates, there are all sorts of creepy crawly poop emojis lingering on the bathroom floor. Avoid them.

Shoes permitting, get all-the-way naked and elegantly drape the jumpsuit over the bathroom door. Do the business. Get dressed again. Sure it takes awhile, but it's a little time for yourself in this hectic, crazy world.