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It's only Wednesday, but this week has not been a good one for those who find themselves personally traumatized when something unfortunate happens to celebrities we inexplicably love, despite having never met them. Case in point: Khloe Kardashian's vastly underrated side project, the FYI television show Kocktails with Khloe, has been cancelled.
Though it existed for only a mere three months, the show managed to accomplish things that even reality shows on far less esoteric cable channels couldn't. Namely, it got celebrities people cared about in a room together tipsily talking about actual topics, and unlike most reality shows, there were zero producers in the room and cameras were hidden, therefore allowing its guests to act as if they were simply hanging out with other celebrities — which they were!
Anyway, this wasn't the only tragic thing to happen to usually-cool celebrities this week. There was also these equally terrible things:
Drew Barrymore is divorcing her hot husband.
Do you remember when it was announced that Drew Barrymore was getting married for the third time, and everyone was like, "Who is that dude, he's super hot?" Now they're divorcing, and it's very sad. Also, one time I saw them at the Guggenheim Museum, and they were so cute together!!!
Mischa Barton got kicked off Dancing With the Stars.
Sometimes it's fun to realize that the coolest girl in your high school peaked as a teenager. Sometimes, like when Marissa Cooper gets kicked off Dancing With the Stars, it's sadder than anything you've ever experienced. During her mere three-week stint, her performances included a "somber tango that involved more walking than actual dancing" and a samba "inexplicably set to Miley Cyrus' 'Party in the USA.'"
Amy Schumer is now considered "plus-size," apparently.
Being a woman with a body has just became even more of a minefield, thanks to a certain magazine including Amy Schumer, who says she fluctuates between a size six and an eight, in its plus-size issue. "Young girls seeing my body type thinking that is plus size?," she wrote on Instagram. "What are your thoughts? Mine are not cool glamour, not glamourous."
Taylor Swift was forced to wear a choker against her will.
Yesterday, Taylor Swift wore a choker, which she definitely did not want to do. This is sad because she's Taylor Swift, and shouldn't have to conform to the boring monolithic styles of the Hollywood establishment. Free Taylor.
Charlize Theron said this.
When British GQ asked her how she broke out of being typecast early on in her career, Charlize Theron replied, "Jobs with real gravitas go to people that are physically right for them and that's the end of the story. How many roles are out there for the gorgeous, f***ing, gown-wearing eight-foot model?" It was ... unfortunate.
St. Vincent has never heard of ClickHole before.
Perhaps most tragically of all, St. Vincent, alien goddess of music sent from the future, has never known the joy of the satirical website ClickHole. Earlier today, she attempted to call out its editors, tweeting, "Never said any of those things because I am not the Mad Hatter. Dont know what Click Hole is selling. Leave me out of it, though." This story actually ends on a happy note, however, for when her followers pointed out her mistake, she wrote, "No quicker way to seem out of touch than to react earnestly to satire. Whoops. You and me, @ClickHole, we are all good." Perhaps this, if anything, marks a more pleasant wind blowing for the remainder of this sad, sad week.