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In just a week and a half, our new Bachelorette star JoJo Fletcher will begin her journey of test-driving 26 real estate agents named Chad and eventually deciding which of them she can stand being engaged to for a few months, then marry (maybe). But today is an even more exciting day, because today, the general public is being introduced to each of these Chads, via a portrait and a short, often highly poetic questionnaire.
These interviews, however, generally reveal very little of substance about the actual contestants. What does reveal the secrets of their innermost souls? Their taste in bad shirts. Here now, we rank the outfits of each and every Chad vying for Jojo's heart this season, from least-worst to worst.
26. Grant, 27, firefighter
Well done, Grant: a plain black (non v-neck!) T-shirt, a hint of tattoo, and a dignified, Jason Statham-esque buzz cut. Go home, everyone else, Grant wins.
25. Wells, 31, radio DJ
Radio DJ Wells, on the other hand, went a completely different route, with a loud, highly un-Bachelor contestant patched-up denim jacket. And you know what, Wells? It's workin'. But fair warning, JoJo: In his questionnaire, Wells revealed he doesn't like pizza (??????????).
24. Jordan, 27, former pro quarterback
Out of all the v-necks this season, Jordan's is the least worst, because a) its plunge seems reasonable, and b) it isn't salmon colored. The guy's got jokes, too: To the question "What's the wildest thing you've ever done in the bedroom?" he replied, "Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder." Pretty solid for a pro athlete-turned-Bachelorette contestant.
23. Will, 26, civil engineer
Will gets the title of second-least worst v-neck, and it would have been the first-least worst if only Will didn't say that out of anyone in the world, he would choose to be guitar player John Mayer for a day.
22. Nick B., 33, electrical engineer
Nick B.'s v-neck, meanwhile, is too boring to be worthy of discussion. Next.
21. Sal, 28, operations manager
20. Christian, 26, telecom consultant
Christian's shirt is okay because Christian's muscles are in it. But Christian also said that the number-one item on his bucket list is to "build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect," so.
19. Coley, 27, real estate consultant
You get a pass on this one, Coley, because I can't see your shirt well enough to judge how terrible it is. But also, your name is Coley! What?!
18. Brandon, 28, "hipster"
Ugh, Brandon. If you were really as hipster-y as you claim, perhaps you could have chosen a more hip shirt? Points for your hair though, which is handsome in a '90s Ethan Hawke way.
17. Jake, 26, landscape architect
Jake's shirt isn't too terrible on its own, even though it seems rather small. But what is terrible is the slight peek of a different terrible shirt underneath.
16. James F., 34, boxing club owner
James F. (oh, you bet there is more than one James this season) gets points for being the only contestant to venture into plaid territory. The problem is that it's also really bad plaid, and also that he said he once had a "buzz cut with bangs up front." Take a second and really visualize this, and then imagine having to marry this man.
15. Alex, 25, U.S. Marine
Alex, a literal marine, plans to eventually get a master's degree, own a business with his twin, and once went through a skater phase. This, however, is not enough to distract from this crinkly nothing-green shirt, nor the fact that his favorite movie is the objectively terrible 300.
14. Peter, 26, staffing agency manager
Out of the many contestants who went with a salmon-colored v-neck, Peter's is the least aggressively salmon, and therefore the least bad.
13. Luke 27, former competitive swimmer
Slightly more aggressively salmon.
12. Ali, 27, bartender
Most aggressively salmon of all.
11. Chad, 28, luxury real estate agent
What separates Chad from the zillions of other real estate agents that have passed through the Bachelor mansion? Chad is a luxury real estate agent. Other things to know about Chad: he likes his shirts purple, and he answered both the questions "Who do you admire most in the world and why?" as well as "If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?" with "Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright." CHAD!
10. Luke, 31, war veteran
I feel like Luke's shirt just looked me up and down and said, "Cowabunga!" Or maybe it's Luke's facial expression. Either way, this shirt is the shirt of a cat-caller who is not particularly up to date on his slang.
9. Daniel, 31, male model
Daniel appears to be confused, because his shirt suggests he is a cocktail waiter at the Bachelor mansion, and not an actual Bachelor contestant. Yet he described his body not once, but twice during his interview as a "Lambo," so on second thought, he's definitely a Bachelor contestant.
8. Evan, 33, "erectile dysfunction expert"
There's literally a zero percent chance that Evan is actually an M.D. specializing in sexual dysfunction, and I'm basing that solely on his hair (both head and facial), his necklace, and his cranberry-colored shirt. He also said that his relationship deal breaker is "girls with chipped nail polish," which is funny, because my relationship deal breaker is "guys who say their relationship deal breaker is 'girls with chipped nail polish.'"
7. Chase, 27, medical sales rep
If Chase's shirt was either this particular pea green or decided whether it wanted to be a henley or a v-neck, it would be fine. Both is unacceptable.
6. Vinny, 28, barber
5. Derek, 29, commercial banker
Theory: Derek, a 6'3" banker with icy blue eyes, is still single solely because he owns this shirt.
4. Nick S., 26, software salesman
Let's forget for a second that Nick S. is wearing nine thousand pockets on his shirt and instead focus on Nick S.'s ascot. HE'S WEARING AN ASCOT.
3. James Taylor, 28, singer-songwriter
Somehow, the fact that James Taylor's name is James Taylor and also is a singer-songwriter is not the goofiest fact about this man. It's this goofy oxford shirt that is the goofiest thing about this man.
2. James S., 27, "Bachelor superfan"
James S. not only has the plastic facial expression and hairline of a Ken doll, but also dresses like one. Worse than that, though, is that he has the occupation of a Ken doll, which is "Bachelor superfan."
1. Jonathan, 29, technical sales rep
I take back everything I ever said about the other Bachelor contestants' shirts. This shirt is the worst shirt. It is everything that could be wrong with a shirt. All shirts are fine as long as they are not this shirt.
Where Would Don Draper Rank On This List?