Alternative Headlines for This Story About My Thong Bikini

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This past February, I went to a friend's wedding in Brazil. She made me (read: encouraged me in congenial manner) buy a thong bikini. I wrote way, way too much about how it made me feel. Below are the essay's alternative heds, which did not make the cut for reasons:

My Thong Song

My Thong Song (Like My Swan Song But With 100% More Butts)

Another Navel Gazing Bikini Story

A Thong Day's Journey Into Night

Panic at the Butt Beach Party

Literally Airing Out My Grievances. What I'm Saying Is I'm Wearing a Thong, People.

Sorry, Did Someone Ask for 1500 Words About My Butt?

Butt, Anyway

Cheek to Cheek: A Long Story About a Thong

The Unbearable Lightness of Being in a Thong Bikini

Our Butts, Ourselves

Same Old Thong and Dance

The Thong and Short of It

Butt Stuff But Not That Kind of Butt Stuff