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The Bachelorette 2016 Premiere: This Season's Suitors, Ranked by Their First Impression Gimmicks

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Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

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Twice, sometimes thrice per year, the world gets a Bachelor premiere — be it a new season of the original The Bachelor, its superior spinoff The Bachelorette, or its even more superior spinoff Bachelor In Paradise. Last night we were blessed with the second-best of these, and have now been introduced to each of the 26 men vying for our Bachelorette JoJo's heart. TL;DR: They are all 28 years old, probably named Chad, from San Diego or something, and have some sort of nebulous-sounding-but-definitely-real-estate-centric job.

Though we've already explored exactly how terrible their collective taste in casual T-shirts is, last night we discovered their taste in both terrible suits and, more importantly, first date gimmicks.

Bachelorette contestants can be broken into two categories: those who use toys, costumes, jokes, or other theatrics to introduce themselves, and those who do not. Obviously, gimmicks are the superior choice because a) they guarantee you screen time, and b) they guarantee that viewers playing drinking games will get drunk faster. Therefore, we've ranked each contestant's gimmick, or lack thereof, from most boring to least boring.

Jake, 27, landscape architect, Playa Vista, CA

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Jake wins the unfortunate award for Most Boring First Impression in the entirety of Bachelorette history, and maybe the entire Bachelor franchise. This really isn't Jake's fault, however, as he started off with, "So a little bit about me, I'm an architect," before the camera immediately panned to the probably more interesting inter-contestant drama back at the mansion. You'll be missed, Jake. May your Bachelor franchise tombstone forever read, "Architect."

Alex, 26, U.S. Marine, Oceanside, CA

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

We didn't see much of Alex (besides his admittedly great gingham tie) before he blurted out the standard, "You look incredible," and then, "I'm pretty nervous," then left. Next.

Derek, 29, commercial banker, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Derek, who is blessed with a very cute face, is not blessed with the personality trait of being particularly interesting. Points, however, for opting for the slightly more creative (if not mostly meaningless) phrase, "You have a really good sense of self" instead of the standard, "You look amazing."

James F., boxing club owner, Nashville, TN

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

The most boring of our three Jameses this season may have dressed like a cocktail waiter, but at least he had some sort of planned introduction. "I didn't come here for a rose — I came here for a relationship." Ugh, fine, James, you can stay.

James S., 27, Bachelor Superfan, Phoenix, AZ

The second-most boring James was far more disappointing, however, in that he described his profession as "Bachelor superfan" and yet DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A GIMMICK. Besides his suit, that is, which suggests he is a lesser member of the Sea Org.

Coley, 27, real estate consultant, Chicago

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Poor Coley. First off, his name is Coley, and second, another dude made fun of his hair gel. Plus, he only had time to say one tiny pun before JoJo sent him home. That pun: "I'm actually in real estate, too. Hopefully by the end of this, I'll be the one to take you off the market." Aw.

Chad, 28, luxury real estate agent, Tulsa, OK

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

If the end-of-episode preview of the rest of this season is to be believed, Chad is the villain in the mansion, which is surprising, considering his boring blue suit and boring blue tie and boring mumbling of something to the effect of, "I'm just really excited to take this run with you." Homedude can hardly string together a sentence, but sure, he's the intimidating one.

Ali, 27, bartender, Santa Monica, CA

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Out of all the adorable man babies who were sooo nervous because JoJo is just toooo beautiful, the most nervous and adorable of these was Ali, who waved like a toddler and wore a paisley tie and couldn't stop smiling at JoJo and word-vomiting things like, "You are breathtaking and beautiful and I'm awestruck," then later taught her how to play the piano. He's the sweet baby brother everyone wants but literally no one has ever had, ever, except for Ali's siblings. He will almost certainly not win this show, but has already won over everyone else.

Evan, 33, erectile dysfunction specialist, Nashville, TN

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Evan already does the Lord's work — blessing the world with more erections — but he also speaks like a Before & After clue on Wheel of Fortune. His first words: "Oh my God bless America."

Brandon, 28, "hipster," Los Angeles

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Walking shaved chest Brandon gets points for honesty, but that is unfortunately all Brandon gets points for. Besides his disturbingly unbuttoned shirt, Brandon's introduction was, verbatim, this: "I didn't watch last season at all. I have no idea ... I have nothing ... I know nothing about you." A LITTLE EFFORT, BRANDON?

Daniel, 31, Canadian, Vancouver, BC

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

"Daaaamn JoJo, back at it again as the next Bachelorette!" were Daniel's first words on the show, and against all odds, it got worse from there. Daniel, despite being almost definitely drunk when he stepped out of the limo, proceeded to get even drunker, take off all his clothes, dive into the pool, and then ask JoJo if she's "seen that viral video," which she hadn't. We can only assume Daniel managed to get a rose because JoJo fields a secret attraction to vampires, which Daniel definitely is.

Grant, 28, firefighter, San Francisco, CA

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

There is literally no way Grant could have gotten away with his first impression had he not been Grant, an extremely hot firefighter. When he met JoJo, he said, "I'm not gonna do what Ben did to you last season. I'm not gonna fall in love with two girls. I'm gonna fall in love with you." TOO SOON, GRANT!

Jordan, 27, former pro quarterback, Chico, CA

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Jordan didn't exactly have a gimmick, but Jordan's brother is Aaron Rodgers, which in the Bachelor universe is more than enough of a hook. He went on to receive the first impression rose, probably thanks to his star sibling, as well as the fact that Jordan looks like Jordan.

Peter, 26, staffing agency manager, Chicago, IL

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

It's unclear why adorable, tan-suited Peter was sent packing on the first night, considering he presented JoJo with a gimmicky-but-also-sort-of-cute heart pillow. But it's probably because he gave it to her while saying, "I want to be your Man Crush Monday." You were so close, Peter.

Vinny, 28, barber, Delray Becah, FL

As far as puns go, Vinny's was okay: "I couldn't find champagne on the way," he said, "but I did prepare a toast to me and you. So here it is," and then took out a piece of toast from his breast pocket. Not great, but JoJo did get to eat some toast.

Chase, 27, medical sales rep, Highlands Rand, CO

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Chase wore a fake mustache and then made the laziest mustache pun in the world, which I'm not even going to repeat because you already know what it is. I'm tired, this is becoming tiresome now.

Sal, 28, operations manager, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Never mind — I would take a thousand lazy mustache puns over what Sal did, which was give JoJo two blue toy balls and then say, "If at any point tonight you're feeling stressed, I give you permission to squeeze my balls." Sal was sent home, because sometimes there is justice in the world.

Will, 26, civil engineer, Jersey City, NJ

Will appears to be this season's Chris Pratt, except way less charming than Chris Pratt and far more exhausting than Chris Pratt. After stepping out of the limo, he purposely dropped a bunch of index cards, acted flustered, then pretended to read from them, saying "JoJo, I just want to say that there's no doubt in my mind that I am ... the most beautiful woman in the world." I am so tired, please make this stop.

Christian, 28, telecom consultant, Los Angeles

Christian, whom I will henceforth refer to as Dimpleface McMuscles, rode up in a motorcycle, took off his helmet, strutted up to JoJo and said, "It's so nice to see you smiling tonight." AND THEN HE DIDN'T GET THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE?!

Robby, 27, former competitive swimmer, Jacksonville, FL

Robby revealed himself to be kind of the worst later on in the episode, but his wine bottle gimmick was probably the most enjoyable for JoJo. However, Robby missed a huge opportunity when he asked, "Will you accept this bottle of wine?" instead of "Will you accept this rosé?" IT WAS RIGHT THERE, ROBBY!

James Taylor, 29, singer-songwriter, Katy, TX

James Taylor, the single contestant in Bachelor history who has been allowed to use his first and last names, came out singing a song, of course, the lyrics of which were: "You don't know me, but we'll probably go on some dates/You might send me home tonight or you could take my name." Uh, no thanks, your name is James Taylor.

Nick S. 26, software salesman, San Francisco

Nick S. tried so hard, guys. He got out of the limo with his gray suit and slicked-back hair, and then did a split. What Nick S. failed to realize, though, is that sometimes, admirable abilities are not actually abilities that make one attractive to women. He was later sent out of the Bachelor mansion to do splits at his own home.

Luke, 31, war veteran, Burnet, TX

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Luke rode up on a unicorn, and by "unicorn" I mean a white horse who unwillingly had a horn stuck on its head. The horse's name was Coconut, and it definitely did not want to be there.

Nick B. 33, electrical engineer, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Nick's Santa stunt seemed dumb at first (he got out of the limo exclaiming "Jo jo jo!"), but he eventually managed to get JoJo to sit on his lap and got a rose, so you know what, Nick? Not bad.

Wells, 31, radio DJ, Nashville TN

Milking his connections as a Nashville radio DJ, Wells managed to convince the '90s a cappella quartet All-4-One to serenade JoJo with their hit single "I Swear." Would it be weird to have a semi-famous band standing bizarrely over your head while asking your potential future lover how many siblings she has? Yes, but in the Bachelor universe, this is the height of romance.

Jonathan, 29, technical sales representative, Vancouver, BC

Photo: Rick Rowell/Getty Images

Do I feel bad that Jonathan topped our list of worst shirts as well as our list of best/worst gimmicks? Kind of, but also Jonathan showed up wearing the top half of a tux and the bottom half of a Scottish bagpipist outfit and introduced himself to JoJo thusly: "I'm half Chinese and half Scottish, but luckily for me, I'm half Scottish below the waist." He then reminded JoJo that he "wasn't wearing any panties." So no, I don't feel bad. Evidently neither did JoJo, who sent him home.