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Crucial Update

Victoria Beckham’s Secret 2003 Hip-Hop Album Actually Holds Up, Sorry

Photo: YouTube

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By now, you may have heard that a never-released 2003 album by Posh Spice, a.k.a. Victoria Beckham, has leaked on YouTube. You also might have heard that it is ... not great. I am here to tell you that it is in fact extremely great, and not just by early aughts, post-Spice Girls standards, but by mean and snarky 2016 standards, too.

For one, there's her jacket on the cover art. Tell me that silk Roca Wear bomber zip-up wouldn't fit right in at New York Fashion Week. You can't, because it would. I'm pretty sure Gigi Hadid even wore it last season.

Then there's the music. The demo, entitled "Come Together" and heroically distributed on YouTube by user Leo Cezimbra, features 15 songs, from "He's My Lover" to "That Dude" to both a "hard" and a "soft" version of a song called "Baby Boy" (have you sensed a theme yet?). According to the Mirror, the album was actually born out of a partnership between Posh and Roc-A-Fella Records's Damon Dash, and though it never ended up being released, it was recently auctioned off on eBay (which is how it finally made its way online).

Listening to the album is a bit like venturing into a pop cultural alternate universe — one where Fountains of Wayne actually ended up having a career after their one-hit wonder "Stacy's Mom," or where Norah Jones successfully transitioned into an A-list actress. Both of these things could have totally happened, theoretically!

But if you need any evidence that Victoria Beckham was robbed of her rightful R&B career, listen to the actually-quite-catchy "That Dude," which is the early-2000s musical equivalent of Liz Lemon's failed talk show, Dealbreakers. Sample lyric: "If he lazy, triflin', jealous, got a wife, don't mess with that dude."

Meanwhile, with "Let Your Head Go," Beckham does her best imitation of Kylie Minogue:

The album only gets better when you replace the anonymous "him" or "you" in the lyrics with "former professional soccer player David Beckham," whom Posh married in 1999. E.g. "See, my man, he's just like a rock star / Lots of money, he drives a fast car." I mean, it's probably true!

Anyway, it's highly recommended that you spend the rest of your afternoon listening to the album in its entirety. Or better yet, casually play it in a group setting over the weekend and see if anyone notices.