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Asking for a Friend: How Do I Make My Boobs as Soft as Kim Kardashian’s?


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Today’s excellent GQ profile of one Kim Kardashian begins thusly: "Kim Kardashian West's boob is so soft it makes velvet feel like splinters." Here are some other things that Kim Kardashian’s boob feels like, according to author Caity Weaver: the fur on a baby bunny’s tummy, scooping up the delicate pink dawn sky with your fingers, and holding a ball of lotion. I would like to have that, please.

But to recreate Kim’s precise boob softness for oneself, one must refer to Kim’s precise beauty routine. Sadly, however, Into the Gloss reports that the Guerlain skin cream she uses costs $455, an amount which I will not be paying.

So here are some less expensive, albeit more difficult ideas for getting Kim Kardashian’s soft boobs:

  • Lay in a tub of lotion, never to emerge
  • Cast a spell
  • Eat exclusively whole-milk yogurt for the rest of your life
  • Steal a vial of Kim Kardashian's blood — that would probably do something, right?
  • Be born Kim Kardashian

End of list.