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‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 5: All of the Outfits No One Could Pull Off But JoJo

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Most of our coverage of this season of The Bachelorette so far has revolved around the terribleness of the contestants' shirts or, inversely, the terribleness of their shirtlessness. But in honor of Bachelorette JoJo’s whopping eight outfits on last night’s episode, it’s time we do the same for her.

In honor of the occasion, here we rank last night’s outfits based on their intrinsic JoJo-ness — that is, how well each outfit subscribes to the style that can best be described as "Texas pageant queen goes to Coachella." Plus, thanks to Bachelor/ette stylist Cary Fetman, we also know exactly where to buy each one for yourself, should you find yourself on the same style spectrum.

8. Zara sweater + Ramy Brook pants

The only explanation for this outfit is that JoJo was struck by lightning at the exact same time as a Nantucket mom of two, and they consequently switched brains. Yes, that is definitely what happened.

7. Macduggal dress

@joelle_fletcher in a teal gown by @macduggal #bachelorette #bachelornation @thebacheloretteabc

A photo posted by Cary Fetman (@caryfetman) on

This teal gown gets JoJo points for being rather slinky (see: giant leg slit), but it loses JoJo points for a) sharing the neckline of a volleyball jersey, and b) not being white.

6. Blue Life jumpsuit

Once again, not only is this not white but it also doesn’t have cutouts. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JOJO? (P.S. you can buy it here for $170.)

5. Maison Mere sweater + Show Me Your Mumu Shorts

While the tiny white distressed shorts are extremely JoJo, I'm pretty sure the sweater is an after-effect of the whole Nantucket-mom-lightning-strike situation.

4. Old Navy tank top + Spanx leggings + Tolani plaid shirt

Every Texas pageant queen needs an outfit that says, "Yeah, it may have taken nine hours for my hair to fall into these perfect waves, but I’m just a country girl at heart." This Old Navy tank, leggings, and hiking boots do the trick.

3. Jonathan Simkhai two-piece

JoJo’s love of matching sets has been well documented, particularly those with cutouts. This Jonathan Simkhai ensemble fits the bill, but loses points because, once again: not white.

2. Alice + Olivia dress

Perhaps the only element that could have made this Alice + Olivia dress more JoJo is if it were absolutely drenched in sequins. Which brings us to ...

1. Jay Godfrey dress

Finally! The dress version of JoJo has made its way onto the body of its destined wearer. Is it white? Almost blindingly. Are there cutouts? They're there. Sequins? Just so, so many. Do yourself a favor, JoJo, and wear exclusively this dress for the rest of your time as Bachelorette. Just lean into it.

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