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Throughout this season of The Bachelorette, we’ve charted the terribleness of the contestants’ shirts, the terribleness of their shirtlessness, and also the fact that they are maybe, but also definitely, one single pompadoured former professional athlete disguised as 26 separate people.
But even though we will never know answers to questions like, "Is Chad’s douchebaggery actually just honesty exaggerated by ‘roid rage?" or "Whether or not Jordan wins or Robby wins tonight, does anyone really win?", we do know one thing: JoJo is always — always — on brand.
Like any individual, however, she contains multitudes. At times she’s Giant Slouchy Sweater JoJo, and at other times she’s No Many Cutouts Is Too Many Cutouts JoJo. Therefore, we’ve broken down the complete taxonomy of her three major stylistic themes, just like we did with Bachelor Ben’s bland outfits before her.
Thanks to stylist Cary Fetman, we also know exactly where to buy everything she wears, regardless of whether you identify more as Floral Romper JoJo or Floral Sundress JoJo (no doubt two very different JoJos). Let’s begin!
Chill Cape Cod Mom JoJo
Despite the fact that she’s more closely associated with sparkling gowns that have at least one giant leg slit, JoJo actually just as often veers into a style I like to refer to as "chill Cape Cod mom." Chill Cape Cod mom is fancy, but chill as the Atlantic Ocean in August (which is still very cold). Case in point: She owns a multimillion-dollar beachfront home on Nantucket, but she still keeps Kool-Aid Jammers in the fridge. You get it.
Every chill Cape Cod mom needs an absolutely enormous roll-neck sweater (this one’s by Frame) accessorized with a bedazzled chain necklace.
Nothing says a day of dog sledding better than having to change your boots. @joelle_fletcher having a boot crisis before the date. Sweater// @clubmonaco leather jacket// @express jeans// @zara Boots//@frye suede boots// @stuartweitzman Rings // #robynrhodesjewlery &. @stelladot #thebachelorette #bachelornation @bacheloretteabc
JoJo generally leans into her inner chill Cape Cod mom while on daytime dates, which in the Bachelorette universe generally involve vigorous outdoor activities. But only JoJo would dare to perform outdoor activities in high-heeled boots by Frye and Stuart Weitzman.
This jacket, the $248 "Boyfriend" by Faherty Brand, is perfect for a multitude of chill activities, like corralling children onto a very expensive sailboat. Bonus: They happen to have a store on Nantucket!
Speaking of sailboats, JoJo wore actual sailor pants, this time by Ramy Brook (here’s a similar style).
And here’s the nearly-identical summertime version of that exact outfit!
When JoJo debuted this sweater on Week 6, I suggested that it would make a better boyfriend than any of the remaining contestants on the show. Now that we’re down to just two, I stand by that statement even more firmly, though tragically we still can’t figure out which Houston boutique it’s from.
Who knew Old Navy made riding boots? JoJo knew. And probably every chill Cape Cod mom knows, too.
Fact: JoJo Fletcher and chill Cape Cod moms are the only two demographics who can wear white pants outdoors with zero fear of stains. Should you find yourself in one of these two camps, they’re available at Nordstrom for $189.
Texas pageant queen
Not only would literally every single one of JoJo’s rose ceremony dresses be highly appropriate for winning the title of Ultra Super Grand Supreme at a Miss Teen Texas USA pageant, but most of them are probably for pageants — that is, designed by brands like Mac Duggal and Randi Rahm.
For her first photo shoot as the Bachelorette, JoJo chose a shockingly red, shockingly sequined gown with a rather tame leg slit, the height of which basically whispers "world peace!"
For her first time meeting her parade of 26 real estate agents named Chad, JoJo chose a gown Miss Americas have been relying on since 1776, probably: plunging, nude-colored, and absolutely covered in tiny, shiny beads.
But it isn’t just at rose ceremonies that JoJo’s inner Texas pageant queen shines. During her many, many "evening dates" (a.k.a. the second half of the "daytime" activity dates and following many hours of showering and hairspray applications) she tended to go with shorter versions of pageant gowns.
Here is a lesson in how a Texas pageant queen does "family holiday party." Note the festive color choice and modest neckline. It’s practically ready for church!
Ditto with "classy New Year’s Eve party."
But perhaps no dress on this list screams "JoJo" as much this, which not only is absolutely smothered in what I can only imagine is an uncomfortably heavy amount of sequins, but is also white and has cutouts, the two clearest signatures of any JoJo ensemble.
Exhibit B: this Alice + Olivia dress.
This Mac Duggal gown isn’t white and doesn’t have cutouts, but the leg slit and confounding gold belt more than make up for it in JoJo-ness.
Texas pageant queen goes to Coachella
But a Texas pageant queen isn’t really a Texas pageant queen until she attends Coachella and adopts an entirely whole new personality while there. What was once a music festival is now basically an annual gathering of fifth runners-up of the nation’s pageant industrial complex, where contestants trade unholy amounts of sequins for unholy amounts of fringe.
There is virtually no way that this Alice + Olivia skirt didn’t see the Black Keys perform at Coachella in 2012. Both weekends.
JoJo purchasing this denim shirt is the sole reason the clothing company Bebe still exists, probably.
Meanwhile, JoJo definitely bought this dress before she found the (superior) romper version of it.
To do tie-dye as a Texas pageant queen at Coachella is tricky: There must be absolutely no rainbow, and it most certainly will not involve a boxy T-shirt. A maxi skirt in no more than two colors, one of them being white, is virtually the only safe way to go.
@chrisbharrison & @joelle_fletcher before the Rose ceremony. She's wearing @violaparrocchetti olive & black maxi. Chris is wearing brown linen shirt from @johnvarvatos pants from @hudsonjeans & shoes from @ferragamo #bachelorette #bachelornation #thebachelorette @thebacheloretteabc make-up @ginamo11 necklace by @julesvancejules
I almost choked when JoJo walked out for the penultimate rose ceremony wearing the uniform of a University of Vermont freshman who has recently attended her first drum circle. But that’s the thing about Texas pageant queens: Sometimes, their Coachella personalities can surprise you!
How many cutouts are there on this violently orange Roberto Cavalli dress? There’s no way to know for sure. Definitely less than 50, but more than six. That’s as precise as I can be at the moment. We may never know! Tune in tonight for what will surely be a parade of even Cape Coddier, Texasier, and Coachellier looks from the JoJoiest Bachelorette in history.