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I Tried to Become a Witch Using Only Subscription Boxes

Crystals, dreamcatchers, lucid dreaming tea and more

Did you know you can Seamless yourself into becoming a witch? I picture witchcraft in the back of a dark and dusty bookshop, but apparently even ancient rites are subject to the siren song of convenience. This is all to say: I went magickal thanks to the Internet and FedEx.


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According to witchesthicket.com, one can tell she is a witch if she’s "aligned with the seasons" (pass on nature); "on fire in the summer, sexually and creatively charged and heated" (sure, I’m a Leo); and "in winter… feel[s] the weight and the silence of the dark pressing down on you" (who doesn’t?). Off to a good start, I set some ground rules. I would only use the supplies provided in the kits. I would not use Google. I set up my altar on my dresser, right in between my sunglasses and my migraine medicine.

Box 1: Enchanted Crystal

If witchiness has a gateway drug, it’s crystals. You can purchase via pilgrimage to a specialty store but I also once got a huge geode in my gift bag after a beauty event. There’s something soothing and elemental about putting your faith in a dumb rock. I haven’t prayed since the ‘90s, but I made a mental note when a friend told me she held a crystal in her fist all throughout her last successful job interview.

Enchanted Crystal upped my game from two dinky rose quartzes (a noob choice, anyway) to a wealth of amethyst, moon rock, topaz, and what looked like the new age version of those cute little pebbles that go at the bottom of a fish tank. I screamed when the box came, was wide-eyed for my unboxing, and then… stuck them in a freaking mason jar on my dresser-altar. (They look great.) As founder Adam Reff Bienenfeld points out, there’s not much to do with crystals. The brand has tried to remedy the feeling of "Now what?" by including a sacred geometry square on which to place your crystals and meditate on an intention. My crystals bring me more joy from their jar.

Bienenfeld has a rule against prescribing crystals for customers. "I see a lot of crystal sellers and spiritual-type businesses puffing up this sense of spirituality as a way to sell their product," he says. "They’ll say ‘This crystal will ground you. This one will bring you more into your heart.’ I’m not saying that they don’t do those things, but I urge people to have their own unique experience and see what happens. I don’t want to tell someone, ‘if you hold this crystal, you’ll make more money.’ I’m down to hear someone talk about their money issues, and then ask them which crystal they feel drawn to." I get it: It’s a lot of pressure to renegotiate someone’s mortgage with a rock. Since my drawers are perpetually stuck, I’ve given my crystals the low pressure intention of manifesting the clothes I seek.

Real life usability: 6
Witch life usability: 5

Box 2: Goddess Provisions

It’s the lame truth that a new breed of witches have emerged from yoga classes and the Urban Outfitters miscellany table. For us, I can’t recommend Goddess Provisions enough. Boxes are curated to "nurture the divine feminine" and include themes like Self Intuition, Energize Your Senses, and Self-Care. You’re equally likely to find mascara and a lucid dreaming tea. All products are vegan, and I used them all.

Creator Jill Pyle refers to customers as "goddesses," which is easily the best branding strategy I’ve ever heard. "Our goddesses are modern women who are looking to explore new ways of working positive energy, magic, self-care, and self-love into their life," she says.

This goddess lit a tin box candle next to my crystals. I doused myself in Intuition Mist, a blend of essential oils that made my cat sneeze. I made Third Eye Chakra Tea to help me "connect to my inner wisdom" then left it to cool and forgot to drink it. Even though it was completely bitter, I did the noble thing and ate my entire raw chocolate candy bar. So much of "self-care" for women is a product we’re told to buy. Maybe it would have been faster to cast some sort of intuition spell, but instead I got to eat chocolate.

Real life usability: 7
Witch life usability: 4

"My personal power is growing stronger each day." Do you feel it, Goddess Circle? You are opening up to your highest form of bliss and enlightenment. This is what your Manipura (Solar Plexus Chakra) is all about. Focus, visualize, breathe, and get ready to take on the day. I hope you all have some fun things planned for the weekend! Powerfully inspirational photo via super Goddess @gypsyarts. #goddessesofig #muladhara #rootchakra #manipura #solarplexuschakra #sahasrara #crownchakra #kundalini #yoga #yogi #yogini #yogisofinstagram #yogalove #yogainspiration #yogaeverydamnday #yogagirl #chakras #lightworkers #reiki #energyhealing #chakrabalancing #kundaliniyoga #tarot #lemons #enlightenment #bliss #meditation #chakras #crystals #solarplexus

A photo posted by @goddessprovisions on

Box 3: Witch Crate

Could there be a brand more perfect for a homebound witch? Witch Crate promises "your monthly brew of witchery" and has reviews like "packed with great surprises that any practitioner of the path would benefit from." I pictured myself, Hermione-like, boiling an elixir in between rushing back and forth to my bookshelf. An email announcement from Witch Crate interrupted my reverie:

The Circle Is Being Tested… Unfortunately for those who were a part of May’s shipment, there was a defect with some of the mailing boxes resulting in undelivered crates… Witch Crate is unlike any other subscription box. Witch Crate is different — and is more than just a curated assortment of products for specific rituals and magickal rites; for each month’s crate is a unique experience designed to impart spiritual teachings.

This would never happen with Birchbox. Founder Rika Athena is remedying the situation by asking interested witches to apply for entry. The simple economics of supply and demand are certainly helpful for a small subscription box business. But they don’t fit as easily into the world of witchcraft as with random fitness supplies, vitamins or daily smoothies. A witch has better things to think about.

Real life usability: Unclear

Witch life usability: High?

Editor's Note: Like the author, other customers have reported issues with this brand, check out their Facebook page for further information before you invest.


Box 4: Sabbat Box

This year’s summer solstice fell on a full moon, all the better to make my Sabbat Box extra powerful. The box is curated for Pagans and Wiccans in need of "magical inspiration." You can tell it’s legit because it’s not even monthly: Boxes are shipped every 45 days to coincide with the Pagan Wheel of the Year.

Three boxes in, I’m also more legit. I spend the full moon chanting incantations into a reiki votive for good luck. My boyfriend is waiting on his word that his visa has been renewed and I make him light the candle and envision us doing American things. The next day, he gets an email that his status has been upgraded to… delayed. I should have known my magic wasn’t yet strong enough to tackle U.S. immigration.

Founder Hugh Carey assures me that a "good portion of subscribers are new to the craft" and still deciding where they fall on the Pagan-Wiccan-agnostic-just dabbling spectrum. I can see how Sabbat Box would help. It’s a true venture of spirituality-meets-entrepreneurship; there’s an unboxing contest, a helpful resource guide, and a brochure breaking down each inclusion. This recommended 24-minute Shamanic Thunder Drum Journey doubles as my ideal work music.

This month’s theme is a Midsummer Night’s Dream, which means sleep magick and astral projection. The first item I pull out is a Dream Journal, in which I immediately make a very non-witchy To Do list. Next come incense cones. Before bed, I hang up my new Dreamcatcher and plop on the lavender eye pillow. I don’t astrally project so much as I hear my cat rip the Dreamcatcher off my wall and fling it around my apartment. It’s under my bed somewhere.

Real life usability: 2

Witch life usability: 9

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