What to Buy If You're a Pro Athlete With a Pile of Money to Set on Fire

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Famous athletes are rich, confident, and presumably surrounded by a group of Yes Men. It’s the kind of concoction you cooked up in middle school and dumped in a paper mache volcano. It’s the reason Cam Newton can’t stop showing up to the press conference seemingly wearing every bad piece a brand has gifted him and all at once.

And with the NBA season only a month away, it’s only a matter of time before Russell Westbrook presents himself cosplaying a lamb to the slaughter. And the slaughterhouse is Twitter. It doesn’t seem to matter to professional athletes that Twitter users have learned that the fastest route between anonymous egg irrelevancy and those treasured retweets is by roasting the outfits worn by famous people.

And since athletes seem particularly immune to internet chatter, we’ve put together a shopping guide for them. Now they can spend their money in the wackiest way possible.

From left to right: Sacai Black & White Raw Edge Trousers, $770; Yohji Yamamoto Black Wool Fedora, $1,500; Comme des Garçons Homme Plus Navy Contrasting Sleeve Blazer, $2,105; Lemaire Black Maxi Stole Scarf, $965; Thom Browne Brown Fur Hector Tote, $2,930.

The fact that we’ve made it more than halfway through 2016 and no athlete has worn the Comme des Garçons Homme Plus Navy Contrasting Sleeve Blazer is worrisome. It is so clearly ripe to be worn by a person who thinks they’re clever by dubbing themselves a “fashionable warrior.”

From left to right: Thom Browne Grey Stephen Jones Edition Bowler Hat, $2,600; Dsquared2 Navy Zippered Military Jeans, $1,095; Vetements Black & Red Football Shoulder T-Shirt, $1,035; Versace Multicolor Constellations Print Backpack, $1,925.

“Football Shoulder” is in the name of this Vetements T-shirt. That Thom Browne bowler hat is $2,600, and the Versace Constellations Print Backpack has a pegasus on it. This outfit needs to be worn on Sundays, or at least before and after a primetime NBA game by Russell Westbrook

From left to right: Yohji Yamamoto Black Balloon Trousers, $970; Isabel Benenato Black Leather Halter Vest, $1,275; Hood by Air Silver Gentle Monster Edition Marz Sunglasses, $410; Fendi Off-White Shearling Jacket, $12,000; Thamanyah Black Cashmere Long Sweater, $1,175.

The perfect outfit for the Dr. Jekyll side of one of these flamboyantly dressed athletes. So many good options here: a sheer sweater longer than the pants Dwyane Wade wore in the playoffs a couple years back, a robe many will wear but only Diddy can pull off, and a pair of goggle-looking sunglasses the models in Hood By Air’s latest porn-inspired show probably would have appreciated.

Watch: Under Armour Gets Into Fashion