The Yeezys That Are Never Sold Out

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What if I told you there were a pair of Yeezys that never sold out? A shop that automated checkout bots never swarmed. A website where, if you wished, you could sit on the screen all day inputting different addresses, because maybe that’s what fun is, or you don’t have a lot going on right now.

These slippers from Slumber — which are shaped like Nike Air Yeezy 2 Red Octobers ($30) — are the best option for people who have truly given up, both in their quest to ever acquire Yeezys and in life in general.

And yes, describing these as “Yeezy-shaped” might be a generous description. They’re Yeezy-shaped the way Jonah Hill is Channing Tatum-shaped — all puffed up in a way that squinting can’t even reconcile the differences. But the inspiration is clearly there, and for many people, this is the closest they can ever come to acquiring Red Octobers. The sneakers resell for ridiculous figures, most recently for $10,000 on eBay. That figure desperately makes me want to lie down and take a nap. Boy, do I have just the thing.