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We're All Ready for the Darkness of Hot Topic in 2017

Now accepting cash, credit, and souls.

Hot Topic Store Window Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

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Can I call it now? Hot Topic is going to win 2017.

And not just because a conversation between a customer and one of the mall store’s retail associates, Jeremy Neiers, went viral this weekend. The customer told Neiers that he’s the “Eternal Dragon Guardian of Time,” a role he defines as a dictator of power, meaning he decides who gets mythic power and how it can be used — watch part of it below. The entertaining video is enough of a sell for me, but where fashion is right now is an even better reason to bet on Hot Topic.

The Official Retailer of the Eternal Dragon Guardian of Time™ hasn’t changed since the last time you were there, and yet its products have suddenly come into vogue. You know where you could buy concert merch with big graphics before everyone started wearing Justin Bieber shirts to fashion week? Hot Topic. Same goes for everything else that will make you feel like the ‘90s never ended — Saint Laurent, Vetements, Tommy Hilfiger — including those wallet chains on Demna Gvasalia’s Balenciaga runway (also sold by Saint Laurent) — at Hot Topic, they’re just $6.

Wallet Chain on Balenciaga Runway Model
Balenciaga spring 2017 menswear.
Photo: Victor Virgile/Getty Images

As Fashionista pointed out today, male chokers are also potentially a thing retailers are going to force us to care about in 2017. How male chokers differ from other chokers is unclear, but if you’re a guy willing to wear a band of fabric not explicitly marketed toward men, Hot Topic also has you covered there.

Most interestingly, Reddit’s Male Fashion advice subforum wonders if Capes (their cap, not mine) could make a comeback in 2017. Probably because if 2017 is the year of “dapper white Nationalists,” by default it should also be the year of elegant vigilantes. And please don’t wonder for a second longer if Hot Topic carries capes, because of course it does.

And just for good measure, vinyl record sales hit a 25-year high in 2016. You think Hot Topic doesn’t have its vinyl selection on lock? Think again, sweetie. Where else are you realistically going to find a copy of Bring Me the Horizon’s There Is a Hell, Believe Me I've Seen It. There Is a Heaven, Let's Keep It a Secret? Nowhere. (But for real, the vinyl is exclusive to HT.)

The evidence is unambiguous: Hot Topic is shooting to the top of my 2017 power rankings, just above every celebrity who made it to this year unscathed. And honestly, we could really use a fucking Eternal Dragon Guardian of Time rn. Or maybe just a couple of those Razzles the camera was trained on for much of the video — I’m willing to settle.