:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/57186409/pink.0.jpg)
Racked is no longer publishing. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years. The archives will remain available here; for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.
IMHO it’s been Halloween since the first leaf brushed the pavement on September 1st, but now it’s finally time for the rest of the country to get on board. Here, with very little fanfare, are some ideas for what you can be this year that don’t suck.
(N.B. Honestly I’m too lazy/focused on perfecting my own costume to come up with step-by-step DIYs for these, but I trust that you all are innovative enough to figure them out on your own; generally speaking, a white poster board and/or T-shirt provides a marvelous canvas, and iron-on letters, fabric markers, and good old-fashioned Sharpies can do the rest. And you can truly always email me or tweet at me if you get stuck and need some guidance — I am very personally invested in the ‘ween success of each and every person reading this list.)
The ghost of Millennial Pink (buy a pink sheet or dye a white one)
Allergen + allergy meds (couple costume — could be, like, a cat and a Benadryl, so especially good for couples where one partner is lazier than the other)
Capitalist feminism (wear pretty much any T-shirt manufactured after 2015)
A really long Instagram Story (T-shirt with a bajillion tiny dashes on it)
Corporate lingo group costume: Circling Back, Closing the Loop, On the Same Page, Touching Base
Self-driving car (dress up as a car, maybe using a cardboard box, and walk around of your own free will)
Every Shirt
This emoticon ;(
A Twitter thread (drape yourself in beautiful threads)
Sexy Postmate/sexy Taskrabbit /sexy sharing economy gig
Sexy Ikea furniture (could also be for a group: sexy Lack table, sexy Malm bed, sexy Billy bookshelf)
A podcast
A Lunchable (group or solo)
Capri Sun
A Totinos pizza roll
Pirate’s Booty
mother!
A prepper
Meal prep (group costume: everyone dresses up as the same boring chicken and rice, can decrease in quality/enthusiasm for each day of the week)
Shiplap
A haunted house
A tiny house (best if you are a baby)
House Hunters (could just be a dress covered with printouts that say things like “stainless steel appliances” and “open-concept kitchen”)
The red balloon from It
Vetements (just wear a trash bag)
A bacon egg and cheese (group or solo)
Writer’s block (carry a pen and a cinderblock)
Your hometown
Sexy Olive Garden
The Skimm
Chicken tenders (group costume)
Haribo gummy bears (group costume)
Apple AirPods (couple costume, works even if you get separated)
Twitter’s new character limit (group costume for 280 people)
School supplies (group costume — ruler, pencil, composition book)
Sexy Mark Zuckerberg
Off-duty celebrity of your choosing
Sheet mask (wear a sheet and a mask, haha)
Minimalism
Your favorite color
Sponcon (carry around FitTea and a waist trainer and periodically interrupt conversations to enthuse about them)
Sexy Yeti
Sexy UFO
Rihanna leaving an establishment while carrying a wine glass
Sexy chores (group costume — sexy laundry, sexy plunger, sexy dishwasher)
A SimpleHuman trash can (so expensive!!)
A Dyson vacuum (same!!)
A fake fern because you can’t care for a real one
A toothbrush and dental floss (couples costume, add mouthwash if you have a third)
Miss Frizzle and the new, hotter Miss Frizzle (and the bus) (and Liz)
Sexting emojis (eggplant, peach, water droplets)
Reverse mermaid (wear a fish head and regular pants)
James Turrell exhibit (carry glow sticks)
Yayoi Kusama exhibit (cover yourself in those paper sticker dots you can get at Staples or similar)
A mood ring
Drunk Elephant (dress up like an elephant and get drunk)
Impeachment (hand out peaches and mints)
Dayquil and Nyquil (couples costume)
SoulCycle (get a wheel and a halo)
A TinyLetter (pin a very small envelope to your shirt and tell everyone your feelings)
Sexy Port-a-Potty
Sexy lint roller
Venmo
A candle
A Diva Cup
A swarm of bees
Hamburger Helper
The runaway cow (this idea will be very old by the time Halloween rolls around or maybe even by the time this article is published but one can dream)