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Listen, anyone can be a sexy cat. Cats are, by law, the sexiest animal to dress up as — there’s the whiskers, the tail, and the ability to wear literally any item of clothing as long as it’s black and very tight. But this Halloween, why not give yourself the challenge of making something extremely unsexy sexy, if for no reason other than to prove you are the sexiest being of all?
Because when all the Other Girls are dressing as French maids or hot unicorns, you’ll be all like, “Oh, what? You don’t get my niche idiom costume? Must be because I’m so seeexxXxxxxxxXxxxyYYyyyyYY!!!!” Here are some other costume options that will get people wondering, “What?” but then thinking, “Damn!”
Sexy Defenestration of Prague
Great news for history buffs: This one doubles as a group costume, as there have been not one, but two instances in Czech history where human beings have been thrown out of windows! Make the horrifying political turmoil of Early Modern Europe sexy by wearing a see-through tutu (that’s the window which your body is currently halfway out of!) and a printed-out copy of the Wikipedia entry for the Thirty Years’ War as a bra.
Sexy Boring Company-Wide Memo
You definitely didn’t make it past the first sentence the last time one of these bad boys was sent out, but who cares? It probably involved a lot of corporate jargon and numbers that everyone’s supposed to be excited about for some reason, which you can simply doodle all over your body half-heartedly. Alternative titles for this costume: 2018 Priorititties, Q-Whore Earnings, Mem-ho.
Sexy Side of Mac & Cheese
There’s nothing less sexy than ordering a full meal and then wondering, “Hm, you know what this needs? The likelihood of me spending 25 minutes in the bathroom later tonight.” Start with a yellow bra and underwear and then just throw on all the other yellow stuff you have in your closet. It’s probably not a lot. Which is exactly the point!
Sexy Store Manager of a Coldwater Creek
Start by unbuttoning your muted beige cardigan reeeeal low (3 buttons max) and choosing one of Coldwater Creek’s saucy Bermuda shorts paired with the highest heels in the store, which are roughly one and a half inches.
Sexy Google Search For Mysterious Rash
It doesn’t matter what you wear as long as a large amount of red, swollen skin is showing. Then just go around to everyone at the party asking, “Do you think I should see a doctor about this?”
Sexy Niche Idiom
The best idioms are those known only to people who have grown up in a highly specific area. For example, if you also happen to be from northern New England, you can go as the phrase “hard tellin’ not knowin’,” which translates roughly to “I don’t know, and please stop asking me questions, I have cows that need tending to.” Do it by wearing a leotard with a big question mark on it and writing “Hard Tellin’” on one arm and “Not Knowin’!” on the other. Shrug a lot and pronounce “winter” like “winner.”
Sexy Remnants of the Bottom of a Purse
This one’s fun because not only do you get to wear a very sexy costume, but you’ll also finally get around to clean your goddamn disgusting purse! Cover your nipples with Canadian coins you somehow still have from when you went to Montréal with your ex-boyfriend eight months ago, and your downstairs with a drug store receipt for birth control, Maybelline Lash Stiletto Ultimate Precision Liquid Liner in Blackest Black, and tampons.