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Unbelievably Last-Minute Ideas for Halloween Costumes

If you’re reading this, it’s not too late.

A person with a sheet over their head. Photo: Nick Ballon/Getty Images

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Time has ceased to exist in all ways this year, but none more so than when it comes to Halloween. This particular All Hallows Eve has been, by my calculations, almost a week long already, due to its falling on a Tuesday — there have been reports of Halloween parties taking place as early as last Thursday. And so now, on the actual day, chances are you’ve hit major costume fatigue. But never fear! Here are some extremely easy “““““costumes”””” that you can probably pull together with things you have in your closet, your desk, and/or your brain. Also, candy corn rules, frick the haters.

If you have a printer: Print out all 19 pages of The Cheesecake Factory menu and affix them to your body.

If you have a baby: Dress similarly and be a two-part matryoshka doll. Bonus points: acquire another, larger baby, and dress that one up, too.

If you have one or more boxes of cereal: “Cereal killer” is a somewhat played-out pun, but you know what’s even scarier in 2017? A “cereal monogamist.” To really make this costume work, switch up your cereal boxes abruptly throughout the night, discarding the old ones without ceremony.

If you have a clothes hanger and, idk, a bottle of Gatorade or something: Attach the hanger to the back of your outfit so that it is suspended slightly over your head. Tell people you’re a “hangover.” Go out and make your fantasy a reality.

If you have an unreasonably long CVS receipt: Wrap it around your torso like a pageant sash and be an unreasonably long CVS receipt.

If you have a favorite nail polish color: Dress head-to-toe in that color (or as close as you can get) and make yourself a label proclaiming its probably-humiliating name.

If you’re a fan of Stranger Things (don’t worry, this is extremely not a spoiler): Wear a sheet and say that you’re not a regular ghost, you’re Eleven dressed as a ghost.

If you’re a self-professed nerd: Be anything from this list of costume ideas generated by a neural network and certainly better than anything my puny human brain can dream up.

If you’re a nondescript group of white men: Congrats, you’re The Chainsmokers.