Racked is no longer publishing. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years. The archives will remain available here; for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.
While the events of the past year may have aged us all a hundred-fold, it’s comforting to know that certain truths still remain constant: The sun will still rise in the east, and The Bachelor will still be on TV.
On January 1st, the Only Good Thing Left will return, this time starring 36-year-old race car driver Arie Luyendyk, who is roughly 87 in Bachelor years. That could be one reason why this year’s crop of contestants is distinguished by the fact that, unlike in past seasons, you will find no job titles like “twin,” “free spirit,” “aspiring dolphin trainer,” or “chicken enthusiast.” Indeed, all 29 of Arie’s suitors have actual professions, and even more shockingly, not one of them is “dental hygienist,” the most Bachelor-y of Bachelor contestant jobs.
Naturally, that makes this whole deal a little bit less fun. But thankfully, the going-out top each contestant has chosen to wear in her introductory photograph speaks volumes. Let’s dive in.
29. Maquel, 23, photographer
Oh, honey — I think you’re in the wrong place. Applications for birthday party Elsas were on the third floor. No worries. Feel free to take a rose sticker on your way out.
28. Jacqueline, 26, research coordinator
Okay, Jacqueline, we get it: You were Christine in your high school’s production of Phantom. That’s literally the only explanation for this plain black T-shirt and a smolder that screams, “Emmy Rossum robbed me of a career!”
27. Lauren G., 26, executive recruiter
Did Lauren G. even read the Bachelor contestant fashion manual?! Because I’m pretty positive nowhere in it does it say, “Please wear the boxiest, most unshapely mustard yellow T-shirt you can find.” I don’t care if it’s the new millennial pink!
26. Caroline, 26, realtor
Caroline, what did you think this was, an investors meeting? This office-appropriate situation that definitely came from Nordstrom Rack has no place in the Mansion. I don’t even care that you have the extremely relatable hobby of blasting Celine Dion in your car! Get out of here!
25. Annaliese, 32, event designer
This tank top is practically a giant winter parka when placed within the context of the Bachelor universe. Next!!!
24. Chelsea, 29, real estate assistant
Do not let Baby Connie Britton fool you: She unfortunately has none of the spunk and pizazz of Actress Connie Britton, starting with this boring oversize red tank top and ending with the fact that she loves “mid-70s sunny weather” and her guiltiest pleasure is that she’s a “sweet tooth!”
23. Bri, 25, sports reporter
Close your eyes and envision a 25-year-old professional sports reporter. Now open! Meet Brianna, a woman who has one-fourth of an EGOT and looooooves sports. She mentions it a lot!
22. Jessica, 26, television host
Here is Jessica, who dresses even more like a sports reporter than Brianna. Naturally, she is also a mid-twentysomething who is professionally good at talking into a camera. Jessica outdoes Brianna in the Bachelor contestant department, however, by noting that her favorite food is “kissing.” You’re doing amazing, sweetie!
21. Jenna, 28, social media manager
Okay, I can’t even look at Jenna or this blindingly bright red silk situation because if I so much as make eye contact, I’m afraid she is going to try to get me to become a LipSense distributor.
20. Lauren S., 31, social media manager
Here are some facts about Lauren S.: 1) If she could be anyone else for a day, it would be “literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad.” 2) Her favorite author is J.K. Rowling because she’s “a nerd.” 3) If she could be any fruit or vegetable, she would be an avocado. This isn’t even fun anymore. Ugh.
19. Marikh, 27, restaurant owner
Marikh gets points despite wearing what appears to be a standard Old Navy tank top solely because she looks like Marikh. In fact, Marikh could wear pretty much anything and she’d still win this whole shebang. Being Marikh seems fun!
18. Brittane, 27, marketing manager
If it weren’t for her boring pea green tank top, Brittane would be a scientifically perfect Bachelor contestant, as she has a highly confusingly spelled name and also answered the question, “Do you consider yourself a romantic?” with “I am impressed by the smallest romantic gestures.” This is not going to end well for you, Brittane.
17. Brittany, 30, tech recruiter
I don’t even care how much of a snooze this top is: I am rooting for Brittany to TAKE THIS THING HOME. Her dream lunch dates are the objectively correct “Beyoncé, Hillary Clinton, and Chris Evans.” Her favorite embarrassing song is “Everything Is Awesome” from The Lego Movie. In five years, she sees herself “married with two corgis.” When asked where she meets guys, she said, “The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.” LITERALLY SAME ON ALL ACCOUNTS, BRITTANY!!!! WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!! (Reminder that this ranking is based solely on going-out tops and not who should win, which is clearly Brittany.)
16. Krystal, 30, fitness coach
Y’all, whose job was it to tell Krystal here that off-the-shoulder tops are OVER. DONE! Whatever. Krystal will probably advance to at least hometowns because of her job, which translates to “professionally hot person.”
15. Kendall, 26, creative director
Kendall, who one Racked employee described as “Blue Crush Allison Williams,” appears to be the exact opposite of noted boring person Allison Williams. For starters, she once “drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train.” She also collects taxidermy and out of any animal, she would choose to be... a bat. (?!??!?!??!)
14. Bibiana, 30, executive assistant
What I love about Bibiana’s plain black tank top is that on a surface level it’s pretty boring, but Bibiana herself is not: She was the co-captain of the Miami Dolphins cheerleading team and yet her least favorite sport is football, and out of any animal, she would like to be a “free orca” (POLITICAL, I LOVE IT). Also, to the question, “Do you consider yourself a lover of art?” she replied: “Yes. Wish I could be art.” (Emphasis mine, due to utter lunacy.)
13. Olivia, 23, marketing associate
Olivia’s black tank top beats out the other tank tops because it’s clearly a halter, which makes it ever so slightly more going-out-y. This is the only nice thing I can think to say about Olivia, whose favorite book of all time is 50 Shades of Grey. OF ALL TIME.
12. Amber, 29, business owner
If Amber’s boring silky black ruffly tank top screams one thing, it’s that if she could have lunch with three people, it would be “Kim Kardashian, Steve Jobs, and my grandpa.” Which were exactly her answers when asked this very question!
11. Nysha, 30, orthopedic nurse
Nysha’s yellow wrap tank top is pretty whatever, but I deeply enjoy her dual answers to “What fictional character would you be and why,” which were Mulan, because “she pretended to be a man and went to war,” and Willy Wonka, because he “had his own chocolate factory.” Smart.
10. Tia, 26, physical therapist
Tia, who you would be forgiven for thinking is clearly Becca Tilley with a brown wig, is actually a friend of last-season favorite Raven. So the good news here is that we’ll get a second round of Raven’s incredible Arkansas accent. The bad news is that Not Becca Tilley also has three tattoos. Can you guess what they say? If you guessed “peace,” “patience,” and “mama & papa,” you are correct!
9. Lauren J., 33, recent master’s graduate
What I appreciate about Lauren J.’s slightly Christmas-elven tank top is that it’s one of those shirts where it seems really unflattering at first, but if you can pull it off, it totally works. Another thing I appreciate about Lauren J. is that her guilty pleasure is “Eating full meals in bed. Like putting a legit body towel over me and ordering pizza — no plates needed.” This is a patently genius move, and now I know what my plans are tonight.
8. Ashley, 25, real estate agent
I love how this shirt looks basic at first, but then BAM! Keyhole, baby! That’s a pretty good descriptor of Ashley herself, who is kind of an enigma. Her three favorite movies are Superbad, The Family Stone (?) and No Country For Old Men (??), and she says she can’t live without “cute clothes, Spotify, and a hair straightener.” I’m genuinely looking forward to getting to know you, Ashley.
7. Lauren B., 25, tech salesperson
MORE KEYHOLE, BABY! I’m loving this highly specific Bachelor contestant trend, and I’m also loving that Lauren B. has a second-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do and is a fan of H-wives.
6. Becca, 27, publicist
Strangely enough, Becca’s confusing yellow shirt that looks like the top half of a bad bridesmaid dress is not the weirdest thing about her. It’s the fact that the five things she can’t live without include “popcorn” and “stamps.” Or that “grape-stomping” is one of three things on her bucket list. Or that the Sister Act 2 soundtrack is one of her favorite albums. For a publicist, Becca has an interesting way of selling herself!
5. Bekah, ????, nanny
I, like Bekah, was also once tempted to purchase this lacy green Zara top for $40 at one point in 2016. But unlike Bekah, I did not, because I feared wearing it would scream “I BOUGHT THAT ZARA TOP.” Sorry girl, I was the correct Rebecca here. To be fair, Bekah herself is far less basic than Bekah’s shirt: She competed in a national rock climbing championship and wants to own an art studio someday. She also enjoys binge-watching reality TV, so I hope Bekah and I can hang out someday and I can tell her never to wear this shirt ever again.
4. Seinne, 27, commercial real estate manager
I sort of get Seinne’s somewhat insane, extremely low-cut Lolita doily thing, but in a far more real sense, I do not get it at all. I also do not get how to pronounce Seinne’s name. Is it like the river in France, but spelled differently? Is it “scene”? Is it “Sienne,” like Sienna, but also spelled differently? I hope episode 1 will answer all of these questions for us.
3. Jennifer, 25, graphic designer
Much like Seinne’s doily top, Jenny’s eyelet tube top is both cute and oddly sexy. In Jenny’s case, however, this choice explains all you need to know about her: She has a feather tattoo on her shoulder, and she loves camping and “adventures!”
2. Valerie, 25, server
Valerie is clearly attempting A LOOK, and you know what? Even if that look is clearly some type of weird Star Trek cosplay, I appreciate that! Honestly, as far as I’m concerned, Valerie, who’s 5’11” and owns a house in downtown Nashville and admits that “there is so much we don’t know about the deep sea,” can do whatever the hell she puts her mind to.
1. Ali, 27, personal stylist
ALI!!!!! YESSSSSS!!!! How is it that it took us until December of 2017 for a Bachelor contestant to serve up that face you make when you’re drunk and your Fashion Nova order arrives? Anyway, thank you, Personal Stylist Ali from Lawton, Oklahoma. I’m not sure who from Lawton, Oklahoma, is requiring the services of a personal stylist, but thank you. I hope Ali gets sent home on night one so she can immediately host an online after-show where she just gets drinks a fuckload of Pinot Grigio and makes bitchy comments about all the contestants. Don’t we deserve this, ABC?