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Sure, there’s plenty of merch out there for fans of Justin Bieber (Beliebers), Beyoncé (the Beyhive), and Becky G (Beasters. Did you know that fans of the song “Shower” have their own Wikipedia-approved nickname? I did not). But what about those of us who stan for, say, a supporting actress from a sitcom that ended five years ago? Or a B-list British pop star who also had a bit part in a Fifty Shades flick?
Shopping for these most precious loved ones is a far trickier business. Look closely, though, and you might just find the perfect present hidden in the depths of Etsy, a podcast’s e-comm shop, or a Brooklyn museum devoted specifically to decades-old celebrity feuds. Below, our picks for the highly particular pop culture savants in your life.
For the One Who’s Always Talking About “Whos”
Like a poorly enacted rendition of “Who’s On First?”, explaining who’s a “Who” can get pretty confusing. But for the uninitiated, Who Weekly? is a podcast that tells you “everything you need to know about the celebrities you don’t.” Naturally, ubiquitous British polymath Rita Ora is their queen.
For the One Who Knows Which Is the Superior Cusack
Serendipity? More like serend-it’s a pity Joan Cusack wasn’t in this movie instead! This perfect tote bag hails from the Thnk 1994 Museum, which two Brooklyn comedians founded in order to properly immortalize the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan scandal of its eponymous year. The museum has also exhibited artworks featuring the Olsen twins hiding from paparazzi, Nicole Richie’s 2007 Memorial Day barbeque, and one particularly bonkers Kim Cattrall interview.
For the One Who’ll Do It, But Only for the Attention
Whether she’s a bona fide business slut or simply a 10 in a room full of 5s, there’s no better way for your overdramatic pal to pledge her allegiance to Jenna’s Side* than with a burning flame.
*What? I’m not hearing it!
For the One Who’s Still Bitter About Promises Made By Early 2000s Christian Folk Artists
Okay, sure, Carrie & Lowell was amazing and he singlehandedly changed the definition of Christmas music for all eternity, but YOU STILL OWE US 48 STATES, SUFJAN! AND THE BQE DOESN’T COUNT! Although Sufjan later admitted it was all a promotional gimmick, I personally believe we as a culture are owed at least a few more states at some point in our lifetime.
For the One Who Calls Everyone “Wig”
Perhaps no quote in the endlessly quotable Real Housewives franchise is as representative of its stars than RHOA MVP Nene Leakes quipping, “Of course we want some wine, honey,” while already holding a glass of (what I’m assuming is) Pinot Grig. If the loved one in question stans other H-wives, this Etsy shop also carries prints of Dorinda Medley’s iconic “Not well bitch!” moment, as well as the Caroline Manzo warning heard ‘round the world.
For the One Who Can’t Wait for the Olympics
The combination of a certain Margot Robbie film premiere plus the Winter Olympics plus the current wave of ’90s nostalgia means that Tonya Harding will never be more relevant than she is right now. Capitalize on the moment with this sort of tasteless but mostly hilarious gift card.
For the One Who Knows There Are No Small Parts, Only Small Actors
But be warned: Strangers will come up to your giftee gushing about how much they loved The Leftovers and The Handmaid’s Tale. :(
For the One Who’s Totally Rocking the Vote in 2020
The softest Rock we ever did see.
For the One Who Kneels at the Altar of Judy Greer
She’s the best thing about 13 Going on 30, The Wedding Planner, and countless other rom-coms — and now, Judy Greer can be the best thing about your bookshelf, too. Say goodbye to these! *points to all other books*
For the One Who’s Still Team Peeta, Goddammit
What Hutcherstan wouldn’t want to fall asleep nestled sweetly beneath this duvet that definitely doesn’t scream “serial killer,” no siree!
For the One Who Always Buys You One of Oprah’s Favorite Things
Just don’t be surprised when she changes her voicemail greeting to “Hello, you’ve reached ERICAAAAAA!”
For the One Who Prefers “Der Humpink” to “Bah Humbug”
Finally, you can wear your favorite two-time Oscar winner on your collar, backpack, or canvas tote. That’s a bingo — or should we say, a pingo!