Cheap, Very Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts You Can Buy at Duane Reade

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There’s nothing quite like the rush of realizing you’ve made a colossal mistake with only a few precious moments to rectify it. It’s how Jack Bauer must feel every week!

Perhaps you’re familiar with this feeling, and maybe you’re feeling it right now. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, you’ve got nothing for your sweetie, and no chance of placing a last-minute order online or getting to a department store in the next 24 hours.

Don’t worry — there’s still Duane Reade! (Or CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreens, and whatever other convenience store that’s in your state.) This is where you’ll find the true last-minute gifts — as in, you can pick them up literally on the way to a date. (We don’t recommend it, but it can be done.)

Here, $100 worth of gifts that you can buy at your local corner store, for the Valentine-er who’s short on time and money but not on love. And alternatively, for the person who wants to offer up the final straw for their significant other.

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Did you know that you can buy a Beyoncé “Heat Kissed” set (which includes lotion and perfume) for $20 at Duane Reade? It was (great) news to me. Not sure what “Heat Kissed” means, but it’s almost definitely why Bey is expecting twins.

Similarly, what is Duane Reade holding over Christian Siriano to make him sell packs of bath bombs, lip glosses, and lotions (pictured above) there?

Total value is $27.68: Beyoncè “Heat Kissed” 3-piece set ($20), Christian Siriano Hand Cream 4-piece set ($4.99), Jordana Mordern Matte Lipstick ($2.69).

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This right here is the romance package. Chocolate and wine, a true Valentine’s Day classic! You’ll look like a true gentleman until your date takes a closer look and notices that the “rosé” is really Duane Reade’s finest “wine product” White Zinfandel from Chateau Diana, and the chocolates are Charlie Brown-themed.

That might actually be fitting, since gifting this will most likely ensure a Charlie Brown fate: alone, suffering, and underpaying an unqualified psychiatrist who thinks you’re a blockhead.

Total Value is $7.88: Chateau Diana White Zinfandel ($5.99), Peanuts Heart Chocolate Box ($1.89).

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Let’s get this out of the way: That’s a card — it’s not a fetish thing. Valentine’s Day cards on February 13th (and 14th) are pretty bleak, so if you really put this part off, you might need to make your own with construction paper, crayons, and the sneaking suspicion that this is a terrible idea that will make you appear childish and moronic.

Total Value is $16.27: Valentine Card ($8.99), Crayola Crayons ($2.99), Wexford Construction Paper ($4.29).

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Warning: Purchase these animal-themed chocolate boxes at your own risk. Have you and your date broached whether they’re a cat person a dog person?

On the other hand, if your date tells you to go to hell for buying them a box of chocolates with a googly-eyed dog on it from Duane Reade, at least you’ll have something to eat away the sadness with.

Total Value is $8.98: Googly Eyes Heart Chocolate Box ($3.99), Pets Heart Chocolate Box ($4.99).

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The special times suite: Nothing says “Please, I’m so desperate” like a gift set of lingerie (??), a bottle of White Zinfandel, and lip balm (for macking, of course) bought at Duane Reade. This could also be called the go-big-or-go-home package, or the you’re-such-an-idiot-Brian-you-actually-thought-this-was-going-to-work package. These are the gifts that will make all the ladies in your life scream: “You hurt me today.”

Total Value is $23.26: Hanes Cotton Hi-Cut Woman Underwear ($8.99), Chateau Diana White Zinfandel ($5.99), Heart-Shaped Handle Mug ($5.99), Blistex Lip Medex ($2.29).

Total Value of All Products: $95.66