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Dakota Johnson's Best ‘Fifty Shades Darker’ Dresses, Reviewed By Her Inner Goddess

“My inner goddess is draped in a pink feather boa and diamonds, strutting her stuff in fuck-me shoes.”

US actress Dakota Johnson (daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) attends the European premiere of 'Fifty Shades Darker'(German title 'Fifty Shades Of Grey - Gefaehrliche Liebe) at Cinemaxx on February 7, 2017 in Hamburg, Germany. Photo: Isa Foltin/Getty Images

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Fifty Shades Darker hits theaters today — because it’s Valentine’s Day, of course, and what self-respecting couple wouldn’t want to make a date night out of a movie one critic says “makes The Chronicles of Riddick look like Le Règle du Jeu”?

Yes, as evident by its current 9 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, the press has not been kind to the second cinematic installment of the Fifty Shades franchise. But if one good thing has come out of the movie’s release, it’s the lineup of objectively excellent designer dresses star Dakota Johnson has worn throughout Darker’s press tour thus far.

And while I could wax poetic about Johnson’s ruffled Gucci gowns and incredibly cool sequined Saint Laurent look, wouldn’t you rather hear it from the actress’s Fifty Shades alter ego Anastasia Steele herself? More specifically, from Anastasia Steele’s inner goddess?

Thought so.* Enjoy:

Dakota Johnson attends the UK Premiere of 'Fifty Shades Darker' at the Odeon Leicester Square on February 9, 2017 in London, United Kingdom.
In Alexander McQueen at the UK premiere.
Photo: Tim P. Whitby/Getty Images

“My inner goddess is clapping her hands with glee like a small child.”


Actress Dakota Johnson attends 'Fifty Shades Darker' (Cincuenta Sombras Mas Oscuras) premiere at the Kinepolis cinema on February 8, 2017 in Madrid, Spain.
In Gucci at the Madrid premiere.
Photo: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images

“My inner goddess is draped in a pink feather boa and diamonds, strutting her stuff in fuck-me shoes.”


US actress Dakota Johnson (daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) attends the European premiere of 'Fifty Shades Darker'(German title 'Fifty Shades Of Grey - Gefaehrliche Liebe) at Cinemaxx on February 7, 2017 in Hamburg, Germany.
In Saint Laurent at the European premiere.
Photo: Isa Foltin/Getty Images

“My inner goddess resurface[s] after her evening of rocking and weeping in the corner, and she’s wearing harlot-red lipstick.”


Actress Dakota Johnson attends the 31st Annual American Society of Cinematographers Awards at The Ray Dolby Ballroom at Hollywood & Highland Center on February 4, 2017 in Hollywood, California.
In Rosetta Getty at the American Society of Cinematographers Awards.
Photo: JC Olivera/FilmMagic

“My inner goddess nods frantically in agreement.”


Actress Dakota Johnson attends the premiere of Universal Pictures' 'Fifty Shades Darker' at The Theatre at Ace Hotel on February 2, 2017 in Los Angeles, California.
In Valentino Haute Couture at the LA premiere.
Photo: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

“My inner goddess performs four arabesques and a pas de basque.”


Actress Dakota Johnson arrives on The Tonight Show on January 31, 2017.
In Gucci on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.
Photo: Andrew Lipovsky/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images

“My inner goddess grabs a rose between her teeth and starts to tango.”


Actress Dakota Johnson during an interview with host Seth Meyers on February 1, 2017.
In Sonia Rykiel on Late Night With Seth Meyers.
Photo: Lloyd Bishop/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images

“My inner goddess rises sleepily, stretches, and smiles… she’s been asleep for a while.”


* Yes, these are all actual lines from E.L. James’s second book. And no, I can’t believe it either.