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Melania Trump Planned to Use the Office of First Lady to Sell You Stuff

Like sassy slogan tees and a gilded safe-space bird cage.

First Lady Melanie Trump on Inauguration Day.
Photo: Anadolu Agency/Getty Images

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On Monday, news broke that Melania Trump planned to use her position as First Lady to launch a lifestyle brand. Today, shoppers everywhere are dying to know what the President’s wife might want to give us in exchange for our money.

As Mrs. Trump’s lawyers point out in her third defamation suit against the Mail Online, the former model had “the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person… to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multi-million dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world.”

When would that multi-year term be? Oh right, when she’s First Lady of the United States of America, a position once held by Eleanor Roosevelt! The brand would reportedly include (“among other things”) products like “apparel, accessories, shoes, jewelry, cosmetics, hair care, skin care, and fragrance.” That sounds great! If only we had specifics! My credit cards can’t max out themselves!

Wonder no more. Leaked, definitely real documents (and not jokes I made up) from the White House outline an exciting array of products that the brand, obviously called Youlania, hopes to offer.

Double-Breasted Trench: Pair this chic, Jackie O-inspired coat (DID EVERYONE GET THAT?) with a pair of extra yuge sunglasses, and you'll be able to maintain the air of mystery that keeps all eyes glued to your magnetically dour stare. Are you a victim of an unexpected/unwanted circumstance? Are you a cold-hearted, self-interested enabler? No one will know if you’re bundled up in this sophisticated silhouette!

Pewter Teapot (Painted Gold): Practice pouring tea for the Queen of England with this exquisite, new-antique tea set. Hold the gleaming neck steady as you picture her asking for another spot of English Breakfast. Let the leaves steep as you imagine her — oh, I’m not Iv— Ivanka’s got it? Okay.

Fun Slogan T-Shirt: This sassy shirt — which reads "Turn That Frown Upsi— He's Not Looking, You Can Frown Again” — says everything you want to say to your husband but never, ever can. This 100 percent cotton baby tee would be great for a coffee date with your girlfriends, if you were allowed to have them. Instead, wear it in the closet where you keep your tampons. He'll never look in there.

Caviar: Smear it on your face! It’s fine to do, just do it. No one is starving anywhere, nothing is wrong, great again, great again, shh, shhh, shhhh. (Disclaimer: There is no scientific proof caviar is particularly beneficial to human dermis.)

"Sevnica" Eau de Parfum: One thing is for sure, this luxurious scent is not named after and more importantly does not smell like the small town in which you grew up in Slovenia. It doesn't have notes of the Sava River, rushing by in its glory on a sunny day, or hints of prekmurska gibanica, the traditional dessert with walnuts and apples that your grandmother made for you as a girl. It does not smell like freedom or agency or hope. None of that, it's a great smell, very expensive, hugely the best smell, everyone knows. Just like Channel 5, but better.

Throw Pillows: These charming cashmere and silk pillows can absorb any husband’s rage, no matter what Jake Tapper says about him. Their lightweight design and lack of hard buttons or zippers means they can be tossed at Morning Joe, or even Chris Wallace, without destroying another TV! And at only $12,000 a pillow, they’re easily replaceable! Available in: gold, no other colors.

Eyeshadow Palette: Smoky eye makeup: It's still a look! This eight-shade palette, ranging from Dishwater to Raincloud, is made from the purest real smoke. First, the smog chugs naturally from the Chinese factories where President Trump's ties were made — but that’s not where the process ends! The exhaust is then breathed in by area children, where their little lungs work to purify the toxic emissions into a perfect matte finish. Finally, the highest quality distilled smoke is personally choked from the body of each child, Bart Simpson-style, by Steve Bannon himself! It relaxes him.

High Platform Stiletto Heel, Office Wear Collection: These eight-inch heels are a must-have for any business lady. Yes, “dressing like a woman” is key to success, and nothing says professional mobility like anatomy-defying stilts strapped to your ankles. You’ll be toppling up the corporate ladder in no time!

Gilded Cage: Whether you're punishing a bald eagle that scared your husband or just looking for alone time away from tiny pawing hands, this enclosure will really open up your space. This gorgeous, surprisingly roomy retreat is made of 240-carat gold (that's ten unnecessary layers of 24K gold) and lined with real human hair (no matter what anyone says!). With a hanging perch made of real Howard Stern's Recycled Sex Swing, you'll want to lock yourself away and never come out!

Diamond iPhone Case: Like a regular iPhone case, but covered in diamonds. Use with gloves, as this iPhone case is extremely sharp. Only available for iPhone 6.

Watch: Michelle Obama’s Most Symbolic Outfits