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This Bath Oil Will Knock You Out

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Aromatherapy Associates Deep Relax Bath Oil
Aromatherapy Associates Deep Relax Bath & Shower Oil ($73)

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After a long day of writing emails, replying to emails, forwarding emails, and whatever else constitutes modern working life, you need a bath. But not just any Mr. Bubble situation, oh no.

You need Aromatherapy Associates Deep Relax Bath and Shower Oil. It seems crazy expensive at first ($73!!), but that little bottle will last you a year or more, depending on your dedication to The Bath. You only need the smallest capful each time, because the oil is more concentrated than a law school student on the eleventh hour of a midterm Adderall bender.

But the most important thing is the scent and your body’s reaction to it. It’s a perfectly balanced combination of approximately one thousand essential oils. I tried to recreate it with oils once and ended up with a bath that smelled like expired mud. Major players are chamomile (sleepytime tea action), vetiver (think green, running through a French garden in the nude), and sandalwood (sex — on flannel sheets — in a cabin). No single essence overpowers the others, but the perfume fills the bathroom better than a candle. I’m talking until tomorrow.

It will also knock you out. When I’m lying there in my cracked porcelain tub listening to Planet Money and inspecting my belly button, I can feel my heartbeat slowing down. You’ll step out of the bath, towel off, layer on 14 night creams, and head straight for the pillows. It hits you like a third martini. If you take an afternoon soak on the weekend (you really should), pencil in a nap afterward, because you’ll need it.

Also, I gave my sister some and her cat loves it so much he barges in while she’s bathing to lick from the tub like a discerning drunk. Take a moment to picture that.