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F*ck, Marry, Kill: J.Crew Mannequin Edition

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Who would you do?

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There were a lot of eligible bachelors at this morning’s J.Crew fall press preview, and by eligible bachelors I mean about a dozen male mannequins begging to be included in my one-person game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. Except that I made the mistake of tweeting it out, and a lot of people thought I was somehow asking a question.

Here, a better look:

It’s very obvious who is Fuck (the sweater guy), who is Marry (the suit), and who is Kill (um, the guy in the weird scarf). Sweater guy is sexy but definitely a player, so one and done. The suit has money, and I like money. The scarf guy is clearly a psychopath.

But my coworkers had opinions of their own. Here, I ask them to defend their choices, most of which are wrong.


Alanna: Fuck scarf, marry sweater, kill suit

Scarf guy is cheesy and kind of embarrassing, but in a sexy way. Like, when you're exhausted from your usual rigamarole and go on Tinder and find some European visiting for the week who's just dying to explore the East Village, and you're like: Okay, fine, I've had enough of the improv dudes to last me a lifetime, may as well give this guy a shot. Eff him once, and then never speak of him again, except in code with your friends.

Sweater guy looks cuddly and warm, like maybe he tries a little too hard (that is very clearly his Only Outfit), but he means well and is willing to grow with you, and so I'd wife him up.

As for suit guy: Who even wears suits? Dads and finance bros? Pass, right off a cliff.


Julia: Fuck suit, marry sweater, kill scarf

Suit guy might be hot (and sure, rich!), but he is almost certainly a BAD DUDE. He is condescending. He makes you feel bad. He is not a feminist. Do him, dump him, end of story.

Tiffany is correct in that sweater guy is sexy. He's also smart and kind and has good taste in important things like restaurants and TV. He might even wear Sambas! This man is marriage material.

Which brings us to: scarf guy. He's a for-sure creep. He wears too much cologne. He likes obscure shit that is also boring. He's not even cute. GOODBYE SIR.


Meredith: Fuck suit, marry sweater, kill scarf

I would fuck suit guy because I would like to have nice things purchased for me in the short term but I would not be able to handle a prolonged power imbalance in a relationship — I want, like, four to six $20 cocktails and maybe a take-home Brooks Brothers shirt, end of story.

I would marry sweater guy because he's the only one who has a *shot* at a sense of humor, and the rules of "Fuck, Marry, Kill" are very strict and you can't just kill everyone — it's not called "Massacre." We'd have issues because he'd keep bringing jokes I made at home into the Late Night with Seth Meyers writers’ room, but marriage is tough.

I would kill scarf guy because scarf guy is CLEARLY a preppy murderer and it's a kill-or-be-killed world with him. If I saw him at Dorian's, I would be like, "How did I get here?" and also, "Runnnnnnnn!" I am honestly concerned for my coworkers who wouldn't kill him, I think there's already blood on that scarf.


Chavie: Fuck suit, marry scarf, kill sweater

I'd fuck suit because he's good-looking, but also def a serial killer. You meet him in a bar, sleep with him once, and never tell anyone again. And change your number.

Scarf guy is marry-able because he's obviously clean and reliable. He probably smells spicy, has a beard, and maybe a sense of humor given that he's okay with wearing a flashy scarf with an otherwise neutral outfit. He probably cooks and cleans, and so he's the obvious choice of husband.

Kill sweater because he's probably a little shit? Sweater man HAS GOT TO GO.


Rebecca: Fuck scarf, marry sweater, kill suit

I would fuck scarf guy despite the scarf because he seems harmless enough and also because Chavie said he’d be a good cook, and now I can’t get that out of my head. Maybe he would make me a breakfast burrito in the morning, I don’t know!!!!

I would marry sweater guy, because sweater guy does improv and dating improv guys is a Brooklyn lady’s cross to bear.

And I would kill suit guy, because fuck suit guy and his spray tan (he definitely has a spray tan).


Eliza: Fuck suit, marry sweater, kill scarf

Fuck the suit. He UNEQUIVOCALLY represses a lot of shit and definitely thinks he's more cultured than he actually is, but he's probably pretty chill.

Marry the sweater, though there is a CHANCE he talks about articles without having read them in full and is one of those liberal dudes who will explain feminism to you at length. This is a chance I'm willing to take. He is cute for sure.

Kill the scarf. He wears khakis. He wears WAY TOO MUCH COLOGNE.


Cory: Fuck scarf, marry suit, kill sweater

This probably won’t be a popular choice, but I would fuck the scarf guy because I’ve never done that before, and I’m always up for new things. Marry suit guy because he looks like future ex-husband material. Sweater guy is getting killed because the fuzzy horizontal-stripes-over-vertical-stripes combo is just too, too much.