The Worst Crimes Fashion Has Committed Against Jeans in Recent Memory

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It’s been a tough year for a lot of people, but especially for jeans. And really, what did jeans do to deserve it? Jeans didn’t cause the election. Jeans didn’t ban people from seven Muslim-majority countries from entering the US and promise to roll back climate change policies. If you asked jeans what a “Brexit” is, they would have no idea what you’re talking about. They’re jeans.

Yet for whatever reason, fashion, and society in general, is taking out its collective frustration on jeans. Below, a list of all the sins committed against jeans in 2017 so far — and reminder: we’re literally only in March.

Giving Them Mullets

The whole “business in the front, party in the back” thing didn’t work on Kate Gosselin’s hair, and it doesn’t work on jeans, either. But Vetements tried. Hoo boy, did they try, and now “step hem jeans” are an inescapable nightmare in which we all must exist.

Shredding the Living Daylights Out of Them

I can only assume that somewhere, some jeans designer owned a particularly rabid and ill-supervised German Shepherd who confused a pair of jeans with a plaything, and that’s how this omnipresent fringe hem thing got started.

Getting Rid of the Waistband As If We Don’t Badly Need It

Of all the things to remove on a pair of jeans, WHY THE WAISTBAND? WE NEED THAT PART. Y’KNOW, TO LIKE, HOLD THEM UP?!???!

Making Two Jeans Into a Single Jean

Imagine looking down at someone’s pants, only to realize that about a fifth of the way down, they magically turn into... different pants? “HAHAHAHHAH GOT YOU!!!!!!” said literally nobody.

Shoving Plastic Inserts in Them

Much was made of the Topshop jeans with Plexiglass-like panels in the knees, and yet among all the noise, the central question has gone unanswered: why.

Turning Them Into Literal Mops

Recommended uses for these $310 jeans include: a) sweeping your apartment, and b) placing them in a time capsule to explain to future people how fucking weird the year 2017 was.

Slashing Them in the Butt

I get it, jeans typically cover both your legs and your ass because of Puritans, probably, and sometimes you only want your jeans to cover one of those things. But folks: There is a better way. It is called “shorts.”

Almost Cutting Them Into Shorts, and Then Deciding Not To

Speaking of shorts, these Boohoo jeans remind me of that one time when I was 14 and thought I had the mental, physical, emotional, and creative capability to cut my Gap jeans into jorts. Halfway through, I realized that hahahahhaha no. I didn’t.

Adding a Tulle Skirt for Unclear Reasons

This isn’t what we meant when we said we wanted “dressy jeans.”

Adding a Jean Skirt for Possibly Even Weirder Reasons

I love a denim skirt as much as the next early 2000s nostalgic, but maybe let’s just pick one and stick to it? Eh? No? Okay.

This?

I literally don’t even know what I’m looking at. Are these... buckets? Made of jeans?

Just Saying ‘Fuck It’ and Turning Them Inside Out

Finally, and most egregiously of all, the Kardashian-beloved brand Unravel Projects evidently just looked around, shrugged, turned a pair of jeans inside out, and sold them for $669. But probably the most shocking part of this image isn’t the horrific exposed pockets, but the fact that these jeans are LOW IN STOCK. WHO IS BUYING THESE JEANS? SHOW YOURSELVES!!!!