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The Track Pants That Make Me Feel Like a Celesbian

I bought Kristen Stewart’s Adidas pants and now I’m so cool it’s boring.

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Photo: Christian Vierig/Getty Images

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Most things celebrities wear are inaccessible to normal people by either price tag or fit, or sometimes both. I would love to wear one of those red carpet-style women’s tuxedos with no shirt underneath, but as far as I know they don’t make those for under $100 or for people without a professional glam squad to tape down their breasts. Also, I sadly have no occasion for it. That’s why I’m so thrilled that Adidas track pants are cool again — they’re affordable, they’re comfortable, and they’re frequently (and sloppy-stylishly) worn by the celebrity I’d most love to emulate: Kristen Stewart. And I can wear them anywhere.

Behold the official pants of celesbians everywhere: the Adidas Superstar Cuffed Track Pants. Cara Delevingne wears them. Kristen Stewart wears them. For the brief and earth-shattering moment in which Kristen Stewart was dating Annie Clark (a.k.a. musician St. Vincent), Annie Clark wore them, too. Were there two pairs or was it just the one pair shared between them? If they’re just Kristen’s, does her new girlfriend, Stella Maxwell, borrow them now? How many famous queer women have been in these pants, and in how many ways?? And how do these pants make them all look so gay, and so good??

Cara Delevingne wearing The Pants (in blue, though)
Photo: GVK/Bauer-Griffin/Getty Images

Removed from queer context, these are normcore pants. These are Korn pants. They’re soccer player warm-up pants. But for some reason, on the legs of a famous queer women, worn with a vintage crop T-shirt or a blazer, they are transformed into fashion. They become the pants you wear to walk home from your hot girlfriend’s house.

Not long ago, shortly after I left a full-time job to start freelance writing full-time (a great time to start spending lots of money on clothes, jk), I finally caved and bought myself a pair of these pants. I worked from home now, and thus would spend most of my time within a four-block radius. I wanted pants I could work comfortably in but weren’t actual pajamas, and ones that would look stylish enough when I went down the street for a coffee. If Kristen Stewart can look put together wearing them on a hike, if Annie Clark can look put together wearing them grocery shopping, I (deliriously) thought, I could look put together wearing them to shuffle from my apartment to the bodega across the street to buy a can of tomato soup.

I had a surprisingly difficult time tracking down a pair of these pants, which leads me to believe I am far from the first lesbian to order a pair in hopes they’ll turn her into Kristen Stewart. Urban Outfitters has women’s bright blue ones, or black ones with a dropped crotch, but didn’t have any that looked like Kristen’s, and unfortunately, looking slightly more like Kristen Stewart was what I cared about most. I could find non-cuffed versions aplenty, but that variety looks more athletic and less athleisure. Finally, I found a men’s version at Macy’s (which Kristen’s may well be, based on the fit) and placed my order. A few days later, they arrived in the mail and it felt like gay Christmas. I knew they would fit perfectly as soon as I opened the package.

You know how Louise gets instantly hotter when she puts on that magic pendant Madame Serena gives her in Teen Witch, and everyone looks at her in the hallway or whatever? That is how I felt when I first wore these pants outside. It was an unseasonably warm day, so my girlfriend and I decided to walk to the park. I swear to you that we passed no fewer than six lesbian couples on the way, and all of them looked at me. Yes, there are already a fair number of lesbian couples who live in my neighborhood, and yes, most people look at other people they pass on the sidewalk, but this was different. This was something magnetic. My pants were like a beacon to them all, proclaiming: “I’m here. I’m queer. I’m wearing cool pants.” To everyone else I was simply wearing Adidas track pants, but to me, it seemed, all the queer girls knew.

The power went straight to my head. I wore the pants to my hair appointment. I brought a picture of Kristen Stewart on Saturday Night Live with me and told my hairstylist, “Make me look like this.” Thankfully I chickened out, and when I went home and took off the pants, I realized that I do not, in fact, have Kristen Stewart’s jawline, and my hair looks best a little longer. I would love to be able to skip washing it for a week and have it come out looking like hers, but that is just not the world we live in.

It remains impossible to look exactly like a celebrity — they have too much money and professional help and they were given all the hottest genes. The best a wannabe like me can hope for is the occasional, achievable trend. I got mine in the Adidas Superstar cuffed track pants, and I will cherish them forever. Or at least for as long as it takes for Kristen Stewart to popularize some other kind of pants.