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Sorry, But Only These 8 Dudes Are Allowed to Wear Clothes

Riz Ahmed. Mahershala Ali. Emmanuel Macron.

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You might be operating under the assumption that you, a human man living in a free country, are allowed to wear whatever you want. This, however, is false.

In fact, only a very small, very elite, exceptionally good-at-dressing-themselves group of men are allowed to wear clothes at any point in time. These are those men.

Aziz Ansari

Photo: Noam Galai/Getty Images

Aziz Ansari is allowed to wear clothes, but specifically coats. Master of None seasons 1 and 2 have afforded Aziz Ansari the right to wear any coat he wants.

Harry Styles

Photo: Emma McIntyre/Getty Images

Do you see Harry’s pants? Of course you do, there’s a dragon on them. Harry is showing you an item he is allowed to wear and you are not. Other items include luxury Hawaiian shirts.

Russell Westbrook

Photo: Erika Goldring/Getty Images

Literally no man should ever look at this photo and think “Yeah I could wear that.” No. Wrong. You are not Russell Westbrook, therefore you are not allowed to wear this or any other clothes.

Riz Ahmed

Photo: Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images

Look at this floral suit. Now look away. It is not for you. It is only for Riz Ahmed.

Mahershala Ali

Photo: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

Can you wear a white tuxedo to an event and not blend in with the caterers? No. This is your 56th reminder of the day that you are not Mahershala Ali.

Donald Glover

Photo: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

You, not-Donald Glover: That’s a great suit, where can I buy it?
Donald Glover: *stares incredulously for a full 10 seconds as you slowly back away*

Emmanuel Macron

Photo: Marc Piasecki/Getty Images

I don’t care that he only wears boring suits. Emmanuel Macron is allowed to wear more interesting things if he wanted to, and that is the important thing.

Oscar Isaac

Photo: Andreas Rentz/Getty Images

One might argue that wearing an oddly color-blocked short-sleeve button-down and a skinny tie is less appropriate for the Cannes Film Festival and more suited for a state-mandated court appearance. I might argue that shut up, Oscar Isaac chooses what Oscar Isaac wears.

You, unfortunately, do not.