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Fashion is ever-changing, but one thing is forever: our deep and abiding love of cheap, greasy fast food. Luckily the internet exists, and you can use it to buy whatever you want, including a hybrid of the two. Case in point: this truly perfect KFC shirt, brought to our attention by former Racked editor Danica Lo.
1. There is a KFC merch store.— Danica Lo (@danicalo) July 12, 2017
2. I just ordered this from the KFC merch store. pic.twitter.com/Td4PP4XXMS
Naturally, we were inspired to hunt down merch for the rest of our favorite #brands. We scoured official online stores, clicked longingly through employee-only swag galleries, and generally ignored our actual jobs. Below are the fruits of those labors. (Lol jk there is not a fruit in sight, unless fries count.)
My penchant for small, semi-ugly bags is well-documented, as is my equally strong penchant for Arby’s curly fries, Jamocha shakes, and classic roast beef sandwiches. There used to not be one within 10 miles of my apartment (which resulted in my once attempting to sneakily re-route a road trip so we could visit one in Connecticut), but now there is a location near Times Square, which means I now brave the known-to-be-worst part of New York City at least once a month to get my fix. I want this bag as both a symbol of my allegiance and to carry around my excess curly fries. —Alanna Okun, senior editor
I grew up in Chicago, where you can get a cheap, delicious hot dog piled high with stuff (no ketchup!!) the way you can readily find a slice of pizza in NYC. I miss that heaped-up dog and the dumpy little hot dog stands, which always feature the Vienna Beef logo on their sign somewhere. I've been following the brand on Instagram and every time one of their pictures pops up in my feed, I smile. Would wear this proudly. —Cheryl Wischhover, senior beauty reporter
I would like to own a Saint Louis Bread Co. T-shirt. What is Saint Louis Bread Co., you ask? It's what Panera was called when it only existed in the city of St. Louis, before it was bought by Au Bon Pain (!) and nationally expanded under a new name that means "bread basket" in Spanish. Paneras in St. Louis are still called Saint Louis Bread Co., shortened colloquially to Bread Co., and hey, did you know I'm from St. Louis? ANYWAY. Panera doesn't sell Panera or Bread Co. merch! So I will have to settle for this stunning Steak 'n' Shake Champion sweatshirt. I can still talk about St. Louis when I wear it by explaining that St. Louis native Danny Meyer based his Shake Shack burgers off Steak 'n' Shake's AND ALSO his concretes on the ones from St. Louis institution Ted Drewes, from which I... actually do own a really good shirt. —Julia Rubin, executive editor
When I was a teenager, I was mercilessly bullied by my parents because I preferred Domino’s pizza over the local Domino’s pizza competitor that was objectively less good than Domino’s. Now that I live in Brooklyn, New York, the literal pizza capital of America, I still maintain that Domino’s makes better-tasting pizza than like, 60 percent of the other pizza places. Now freed from the crushing shame of adolescence, I wish to wear this T-shirt like a badge of honor, preferably while eating some Chicken Kickers™. –Rebecca Jennings, associate producer
As far as I can tell, Carvel doesn’t have any official merch, which is a freakin’ travesty. Working at the Carvel franchise in Pleasantville, NY — real town name! — was my first non-babysitting job as a teen, and I hated the oversized thick pink polo I had to wear behind the counter (but not the free scoops I took home after each shift). Searches on eBay and Etsy were surprisingly null and the bootleg options at CaféPress and Redbubble are beyond sad, so for now I’m bookmarking this Fudgie the Whale shirt that costs a whole eight dollars and praying that the ice cream chain finally gets its act together. (Is a tote bag so hard, guys??) —Laura Gurfein, deputy managing editor
Considering how many of my hard-earned dollars have gone to Starbucks over the past decade (one $3-$4 venti coffee per day, seven days a week, 365 days per year — you do the math), it’s crazy that I don’t yet own any mermaid-logo merch. Crazier yet is the fact that you apparently cannot purchase Starbucks tees or sweatshirts at the company’s online store, which exclusively sells things that make and/or contain coffee and tea. Fortunately, options abound at Etsy. I’m really into this classic logo T-shirt — although, not gonna lie, I’m also extremely tempted by this “Starbucks Lovers” shirt from Redbubble. —Elana Fishman, entertainment editor
I can't eat them anymore, but Wawa cannoli chips are the best snack ever invented, although my nonna is probably writhing in her grave thinking about me eating pastry from a gas station. Wawa has been a savior to me many times, though: out of gas in the Pennsylvania countryside, dehydrated after a long run on the Jersey shore, just in need of a milkshake. Why wouldn't I proudly rep Hoagiefest with this awesome tie-dye shirt? I would only wish to complement it with a (as-of-yet nonexistent) “Soup, Salad, Breadsticks” tote from Olive Garden to complete my Italian snack combo. —Annemarie Dooling, director of programming
As much as I love the taco-shaped earbud holder, I actually really want the Taco Bell board shorts featuring a single packet of hot sauce. I've been looking for a pair this summer, and what's better than one that reminds me of the good old days of hanging out in the parking lot of Petaluma's only Taco Bell listening to “I'm Real” on repeat and eating Nachos Supreme? —Britt Aboutaleb, editor-in-chief
Do you covet (or already own) the fast food merch of your dreams? Do you want to argue with us about whether all these places technically qualify as “fast food?” Let us know in the comments or email firstname.lastname@example.org — we could literally talk about this all day.