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Mall Madness, Like March Madness but for Depressing Suburban Malls

Because technically it’s still March.

Photo: Corbis via Getty Images

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I am not here to tell you that regular March Madness is bad, or that sports are boring, because they aren’t, and also because currently I am ranking No. 1 in both of my actual basketball brackets. (Eat it, nemeses!!!!)

I am simply here to say: What if you could play March Madness, but instead of filling it out in 15 seconds based on which colleges you’ve actually heard of, you could spend a full hour internally debating whether Wet Seal or Charlotte Russe sold the superior halter tops?

Now you can! Presenting Mall Madness, the game where you mercilessly pit early-2000s suburban mall staples against each other in a battle for allowance money domination (not to infringe on the rights of the original Mall Madness). Malls may be dying, but the memories of loitering outside an Auntie Anne’s while your friend buys a novelty T-shirt at Spencer’s Gifts will last a lifetime.

Be sure to send us your brackets on Twitter, particularly if you have a clearly psychopathic opinion, such as having Pac Sun beating Bath & Body Works.