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Devastating news: The one part of the Bachelor franchise that was good, the one part that kept me watching season after season, screaming at the screen yet resisting the urge to turn on anything, literally anything other than this terrible, glorious reality television show, is now gone.
Folks: The contestant photos for this year’s Bachelorette have been released, and the shirts are fine. Just fine.
Gone are the days of the egregiously tight, egregiously deep salmon V-neck. Gone are the combinations of ascots and polos with pockets. Gone are poor Jonathan’s bizarre two-tone henleys. And gone are the gleeful afternoons of Twitter mercilessly destroying each contestant’s outfit.
Here’s why: It appears that the show has instilled a relatively strict business casual dress code, which means that in place of the canonical rainbow of jewel-toned T-shirts, we’re getting gingham oxfords from J. Crew, blazers, and actual ties. This is extremely rude!
What’s worse, ABC has eliminated the only other true joy we can expect on contestant announcement day, which is the poetry of the self-reported Q&As. It’s here where you get statements like, “My three favorite musicians are the Beatles, Coldplay, and can’t think of a third one.” Or, “my relationship deal breaker is chipped nail polish.” Instead, ABC has written a voiceless, neutered two-sentence biography of each of the contestants, whose professions range from the boring “IT consultant” to the even more boring “marketing consultant.”
Anyway, here are the 28 totally okay-dressed suitors who will attempt to woo the equally fine Becca K. come May 28. Expect this season to be adequate and nothing more.
Garrett, 29, medical sales rep
Here’s Garrett, a square-jawed Nevadan wearing a perfectly good blue blazer and a white oxford shirt whose subtle polka dots whisper — but do not scream — “fun!” Garrett also apparently does a decent Chris Farley impression. It’s fine!
Wills, 29, graphic designer
I like Wills’s mandarin collar. Wills also loves Harry Potter. Sure!
John, 28, software engineer
This is also a blazer/button-down combo. It is acceptable.
Grant, 27, electrician
Yet another example of a passable shirt and blazer. Grant’s bio says he’s got a “great sense of humor” and that “if the Bachelorette can handle a healthy dose of sarcasm, there will definitely be sparks with Grant!” Grant is not every single boy I’ve ever gone on a Tinder date with!
Lincoln, 26, account sales exec
Lincoln’s fun fact is that he was named after Abraham Lincoln, which pretty much answers the question, “How fun is Lincoln?”
Ryan, 26, banjoist
I’m really into the texture and color of this shirt, which definitely has nothing to do with Ryan’s blindingly white teeth or canyons for dimples.
Jake, 29, marketing consultant
This is red tweed? I think? Or some sort of thick summer linen? Whatever. It’s fine.
Jason, 29, senior corporate banker
Jason is described as “a successful banker with a heart of gold,” a statement that feels like it is begging to be called an oxymoron, so I will not do that and instead leave you, reader, to interpret it with your own views on successful bankers. The checked blazer is fine.
Jean Blanc, 31, colognoisseur
This navy polka dot shirt is fine and, considering Jean Blanc’s profession, probably smells good.
Connor, 25, fitness coach
You can’t tell in this particular photo, but the buttons on this shirt go down real low. In this particular crop, however, it is fine.
Joe, 31, grocery store owner
In the future, bomber jackets will be considered just as fancy as blazers, which is a fact that I don’t not believe.
Chris R., 30, sales trainer
Rickey, 27, IT consultant
Aw, Rickey added a bow tie to his! We’ll allow it!
Trent, 28, real estate agent
Sure, Trent’s blue check shirt screams “realtor named Trent.” But would you believe me if I told you Trent was also a model who has been on the cover of romance novels? Plural!
Jordan, 26, male model
My theory is that Jordan is wearing this shirt so that you will stare at it and him long enough to figure out what’s actually going on there. Because let’s be real: Getting people to look at him is clearly Jordan’s end game here.
Chase, 27, advertising VP
Even Chase’s deviant smile isn’t enough to detract from the fact that he is wearing what amounts to a completely fine shirt. Plus, Chase loves “adventure, the outdoors, and is excited to embrace wherever life takes him,” which is also fine.
Christon, 31, former Harlem Globetrotter
It may be a bit formal for the occasion, but I guess no one told Christon that being on The Bachelorette is way less of a big deal than being a Globetrotter. It’s fine.
Nick, 27, attorney
Nick’s mysterious half-zip sweater is triggering to me personally as a Vermonter, as half-zips are what every person wears from birth to death in the entire state. Nick also describes himself as a “weekend warrior” who loves “brunches, barbeques, and the beach,” which is triggering to me for other reasons. Whatever. It’s fine.
Blake, 28, sales rep
Blake’s burgundy button-down is actually a short-sleeve button-down, which I think actually works for Blake, who swing-dances.
Kamil, 30, social media participant
Kamil’s chambray shirt would be a good chambray shirt if it weren’t for the weird shoulder patches. Kamil would also be a good contestant if his job title weren’t “social media participant.” Overall: fine.
Mike, 27, sports analyst
Oof. Mike’s henley is ... fine? Hard to say.
Colton, 26, former professional football player
Colton is actually Colton Underwood, a former NFL player who is better known for recently having dated the far more famous Aly Raisman. Colton also would be able to get away with the collarless leather jacket thing if he had paired it with a non-pastel T-shirt.
David, 25, venture capitalist
Ditto. Also this dude “loves guacamole but hates avocado,” which I’m pretty sure nine out of 10 serial killers agree with?
Clay, 30, professional football player
Clay, meanwhile, is also a former NFL player, who apparently interpreted the business casual dress code as “sweatshirt.” It’s probably fine, though.
Darius, 26, pharmaceutical sales rep
Honestly, Darius seems like a very sweet person judging by his bio, which says his “most important mission is to live a life of service by giving back to others.” This lavender oxford is a little too sweet. It is almost not fine.
Leo, 31, stuntman
Leo also suffered from choosing the wrong color of an otherwise fine shirt. The color he went with was “cater waiter.”
Alex, 31, construction manager
Alex is a “self-proclaimed country music lover,” which is a weird way to describe someone with very normal taste in music. But sometimes, what seems normal at first is actually very bizarre. Case in point: this blazer, which if you squint real hard is actually paisley print. But if you take a few steps back, it’s fine.
Christian, 31, banker
This normal-seeming greige sweater is actually a sweater T-shirt, which is very bad. But you know what? It isn’t even really that bad. It’s fine. All the shirts are fine, and none of this is fun anymore.