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Which Fruit Pattern Is the Horniest?

We talked to an expert, and ranked them ourselves.

I want this dress, but also like, I’m blushing!!!!111!!
Photo: Realisation

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Fruits are delicious, but they are also very sexy. We know this because fruits are always being used as euphemisms for sex, and in ad campaigns for period underwear. But what fruit is the sexiest? And how come every single dress I want has cherries all over it but I won’t buy one out of fear that wearing cherry print is basically the equivalent of announcing, “Hello, world, I am a woman in my prime child-bearing years, so someone please inseminate me immediately”?!

To find out, I emailed Beverley Clack, a professor of philosophy of religion at Oxford Brookes University, who said that fruits have a long history of association with women. There are the obvious reasons: Women, like plants, can “bear fruit,” which is sort of a gross way to describe babies. But there are other reasons too.

Using the example of Adam and Eve, Clack says, “There’s something very sexual in the way in which this story gets told down through the generations. William Blake paints the serpent coiled around Eve’s body, feeding her the apple lip to lip.”

Then there’s the idea that women are like fruit. “I wonder if there isn’t also the idea that innocent girls are just waiting to be picked,” she says. “There is something rather passive about the use of fruit imagery, and suggests that women are there to be eaten.”

And according to Clack, the juiciest fruits are the sexiest. On the subject of cherries and strawberries, she says, “They are sticky and full of juice. I’m sure there is absolutely nothing about that idea that connects it to the vagina!” Indeed.

Which is why when it comes to fruit patterns on clothing, not all of them express the horniness of the wearer in equal amounts. Below, my personal ranking of the sexiest fruit patterns, from least to most.

7. Apple

Zooey Deschanel as Jess in New Girl wearing an apple-print dress.

Even though apples are often used as symbols of temptation (Adam and Eve, Snow White, et al.), wearing an apple print basically says, “I am an educator and a wife and the head of the PTA and how dare you use the ‘s’ word in my presence!” Apple print is not horny for anything other than straight As. Next!

6. Banana

A lesser mind would assume that because bananas are the things you use to demonstrate how to wear a condom, banana print is sexy. It isn’t! Bananas are the fruit equivalent of white bread in that they are very delicious and not even a little bit hot.

5. Lemon and/or Orange

Lemon print — or lemon and orange print together — is fancy as hell and a very fun choice for a day at, like, a horse race or something. It is also a good choice for fun hand towels in the bathroom. That’s it!

Photo: Claudio Lavenia/Getty Images

4. Pineapple

Pineapple print has a lot of capital-P personality, but it typically reads as “fun!” and “quirky!” There is one exception: When we were in middle school, my older sister bought a T-shirt with a pineapple and the word “Juicy!” on the front and my mom told her she was absolutely never, ever allowed to wear it.

3. Watermelon

Watermelons are juicy and messy as hell, but because it features enormous triangles with a bunch of seeds in them, watermelon print is only a little bit sexy.

2. Strawberry

The cherry print’s slightly less sexy cousin. Strawberries are red and sweet but still somewhat innocent.

1. Cherry

Photo: Realisation

Cherry print is horny as hell!!! It’s not even only about the fact that “popping your cherry” means losing your virginity, but it’s that two cherries together somehow look like multiple separate sex organs all at once. It’s official: Cherry print is borderline pornographic. But I still want this dress.