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Fall Fashion Preview: It’s All Bad

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Fall is canceled.

Photos: Net-A-Porter

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It’s the dead middle of July and heat waves have melted half the country into oblivion, which can only mean one thing: Time to shop for bulky sweaters!

This, at least, is the logic of the fashion industry, which is officially pushing its fall merchandise on its poor, sweaty shoppers who have only come inside for the air conditioning. And if what’s for sale right now is any indication of what we’ll all be wearing come November, well, sorry everybody!!! It’s all bad.

According to Net-A-Porter, my favorite website where I cannot afford a single item, fall coat trends include throwing your dad’s gardening jacket over that cobweb-covered plaid blanket that’s been sitting in the garage for years. Consider this version from Y/Project, which costs $1,130:

Instead of wearing one regular pair of pants, we will instead be wearing two separated and then reconjoined pant legs as pants. Make no attempt to match them up with their former partner — that is not the right way to do this trend. Monse, helpfully, makes multiple versions:

In place of boots, we will be wearing long and very itchy ribbed tights with hard, high bottoms using a door stopper as a heel. If you can’t DIY this contraption yourself, these $1,400 Miu Miu ones will do in a pinch:

Skirts will still have buttons, but not in the way that is helpful even remotely. In fact, the less functional the placement, the better! Here is a 3.1 Phillip Lim skirt for $650 with so many buttons that do not serve a single purpose or achieve a discernible aesthetic:

There’s also going to be this new thing called Dali-ing, where shirts just sort of drip into the amorphous shape of an object in a surrealist painting. Don’t worry about it, it’s cool!

And belts? Yeah, we’re not even trying with those anymore. Here’s what’s essentially a roller coaster seatbelt on top of a blazer because fuck it:

And finally, winter parkas will replace both beds and the concept of owning a home. This $2,200 Rick Owens coat-slash-sleeping-bag-slash-apartment is both cozy and more attainable than ever buying a condo, which you will never be able to do:

There you have it! Enjoy summer while you can, you sweaty, sweaty monster.