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Yesterday was a newsworthy day indeed for Apple. Firstly, Drake betrayed Jay Z by premiering the Hotline Bling video on Apple Music, as opposed to TIDAL — remember TIDAL? — and they released a software update for iOS 9.1. Normally, no one should really care about the features the update provides. As long as those front-facing selfies are grainy enough to blur pores, the world is satisfied.
However, this update brought about something special; something life-altering and vital to world peace: new emojis. 150 of them. Like Pokémon, you really ought to catch them all.
Emojis have many uses, and have fine-tuned the way civilization communicates for the foreseeable future. Emojis are what unites tweens and the elderly like no other language can. After all, there is nothing more relatable to the global human experience than a postal horn.
Another significant use of emojis is to express yourself sexually. Millennials are terrible at communicating sans technology, according to baby boomers who send each other countless memes on WhatsApp. We all know that the peach emoji is clearly a butt, and an eggplant emoji is a man's sole source of pride and joy, but how can you use the new and exciting additions to the emoji lineup to complement your sexting experience?
Because we care about you getting off, Racked has developed a guide to assist you in your sextual endeavors:
Slightly Smiling Face
There's a look of shock and horror deep within this emoji's eyes. This emoji has seen some things, man. The best way to use this would be to deter an unsolicited dick pic. Though, the sender may lose all sense of self-confidence, which is probably a good thing in this instance.
Reversed Hand With Middle Finger Extended
Take this very literally.
If there's two things the world can agree is great, they're boobs and butts. This emoji would be best to signify that you have some virtual groping to do. No shame.
This is a niche emoji for those of you who want a toothy BJ from Chris Hardwick.
Face With Thermometer
When you're sent a nude that's so hot you fall ill and die, send this.
Sometimes you want to spice up your sext life. That could be by sexting on a mountain, hiring a sexting surrogate, or role play. In this instance, the unicorn signifies that you wish to embark on an otherworldly adventure.
Upside Down Face
When you want to hang off monkey bars and do it, this is the perfect way to convey that.
This is how you propose to someone that you want to be their Sugar Baby. Sources say that it has a 98 percent success rate.
Man in Business Suit Levitating
This emoji is best for living out your dreams of a capitalist haven — perhaps you want to recreate a boring sex scene from Paul Ryan's Ayn Rand fan fiction.
Face With Rolling Eyes
When you climax, tap this emoji a thousand times.