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Crucial Update

If You Buy Kanye West's Alleged Pubes, Here Are Some Things You Could Do With Them

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Kanye West
Kanye West
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Stars, they're just like us. Their pubes are also just like ours. Sometimes, you just can't help where they end up or whose hands they fall into.

In Kanye West's case, they reportedly ended up in the hands of eBay user andgol_8i949ou, who has a buyer and seller's rating of zero. For the eBay novice, this means this person — allegedly a man — has nothing backing his claim that he sells proper stuff. The bundle of hair appears to be presented in a jewelry box, and with a starting price of just 99¢, it's a total a bargain.

What's even crazier than the sheer concept of selling celebrity's pubes online is the story behind the seller's acquisition of said pubes:

****MINT CONDITION****

Disclaimer: The description says "used," but that's only because technically, Kanye has used them. They were on his body and I am going to assume he was using them on a daily basis until I came across them, however I have not used them which makes them half-used half-mint condition in my book.

The story begins with my bitch of an ex-girlfriend who bought me Kanye West tickets for his show at the Hollywood Bowl back in September. She bought them for herself using my credit card (cunt) and when we broke up I got to keep the tickets because fffuuucckkkk yyyooouuuu Chelsea. 1 sold on Craigslist and because I could not find anyone willing to pay $$$ to see Kanye I figured fuck it. I'll go by myself.

I did not even make it to the headlining act. 1 too many beers with 5 vodka sodas to help me forget that I was at a Kanye West concert alone landed me in the bathroom. Not just any bathroom though. I am 90% sure that I somehow got into a VIP area. That sounds like bullshit, but I watching me stumble around drunk is akin to watching a meth head tweak out in public. No one wants to go near meth heads. Also, security there blows. It was probably more because of that than it was because of my alcoholism.

So I'm in a VIP bathroom and Kanye West comes out of a stall. I almost didn't recognize him because what are the chances that your butt is going to touch the same place that Kanye West's butt did? Any normal guy wouldda asked for an autograph, but normal people also do not go to Kanye West concerts alone as an excuse to binge drink. I stared at him, panicked, then ran into the stall.

Then I look down and see hair.

Now how do I know it is Kanye's hair? Kanye West is a man who shits gold and then eats it for breakfast alongside a bowl of Cheerios. He would not fuck with a toilet seat sprinkled with pubes. Kanye was definitely marking his territory with pubic hair. So I did what any normal human being would do: I got down on my knees, scooped those dick hairs into my hands and sprinted out of there.

But what do I do with them? Kim Kardashian's face has touched these pubes, which means I have also touched Kim Kardashian's face since my hands touched Kanye's pubes. My hands have also now touched Kim's vagina, Kim's butt and even her boobs. I am not a rapper and I am also not famous, but I have now officially gotten to third base with Kim Kardashian. I am a legend.

These pubes have sat on my living room mantle for over 2 weeks and I cant decide what to do with them. Fertilize a garden? Put them in an empty bottle and throw it out to sea? I cant keep them because people keep asking me why I have a bag of hair on my mantle and I cant hide them someplace else because they will get lost.

And that is why they are now on sale here on eBay. Maybe Kanye will buy them back or maybe some lucky guy will get to keep them on HIS mantle. It does not matter to me. I just want these pubes to have a good home and me to have a few more dollars in my wallet.

We all get the urge to bid on things we don't need on eBay, like candelabras or vintage jackets. Undoubtedly, someone is going to bid a lot of money on this, so Racked has devised some suggestions of what the winning bidder could do once they receive the prized pube-sessions in the mail:

1. With Halloween just around the corner, and the thought of picking a Halloween costume out constantly looming on your mind, this might be the perfect last minute resort! If you superglue Kanye's pubes on your face, you could be the Ghost of Kanye's Nether-regions. Genius, and terrifying.

2. Burning sage sticks and other forms of cultural appropriation are so early 2015. Tie the pubes together and burn them to smudge your house, cleansing the aura of any negative energy towards Kanye.

3. Now that you possess Kanye's DNA, you now have the ability to clone Kanye countless times. Think of the money you could make from making your clones perform concerts all the time — they might not be as talented as the original Yeezy though.

4. Hang the pubes from your front door so as to bless your visitors with the Kanye, the North, and the Holy Kimit.

5. Marry them to spite all your exes.